Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Last Month

I haven't been a very good 'blogger' over the last month. So funny now to think I thought I could blog every other day. What was I thinking? Truthfully, I really enjoy blogging. It feels like therapy to me to be able to type out my feelings or my stresses. It's a way of release for me.
My life feels out of balance lately. I've gotten into that old bad habit again of putting everyone and everything before myself. Ladies, please tell me I'm not alone in this! The bad part about doing this is that I become very unhappy. I'm not necessarily an "artsy" person but I do feel the need to be creative and have an outlet.
My children have been my preoccupation lately. I swear if I hear "But, why?," from Jack, or "What dat?," from Cole one more time today, I just might lose it. I tell Jon that on an average day I have 3-5 minutes at a time to try to get something done before I have to clean up a mess the boys created, break-up a fight, discipline, or answer a question. It's exhausting.
On top of this, there's a home to take care of, bills to pay, errands to run, groceries to be bought, and meals to cook. We're thinking of putting our house up for sale, so my mind is swimming with what needs to be done before it's put on the market. I remember I need to register the boys for Mother's Day Out next Monday, I need to re-pot that plant before it dies, write a thank-you note to my friend, plan my girlfriends baby shower, and give Sampson his medicine.
So, at the end of the day, I haven't eaten right, had even one glass of water, exercised, had time with God...or blogged. All of these things make me feel better and balanced. I'm a better wife, mother, daughter, and friend when I take care of myself.
My question is...Why do we women feel guilty to put ourselves first? Why do I think laundry is more important than taking myself for a long walk? Why do I think bottled-in feelings can wait til a more 'convenient' time? Why do I think I can give my best to my children when I didn't talk to the Lord today?
I've started to think about what is next for me in this life. Who am I? What are my gifts? What does God want me to do with them for his glory? I've been thinking about what I want to do in the future. I realized a dream that's building inside me. I'm thinking about writing a book. Just a story of my life and my testimony. I don't expect anyone to read it, it's just something that I think would be fun. I would like my children to be able to look back someday and read my thoughts at certain points in my life and maybe understand where I was coming from. I'm just hoping that I make the time to begin it and follow through with it. I have a huge fear of failure and a fear of being judged. I'm scared to reveal my secrets and bare my soul. I've been thinking and praying about it a lot and I feel like it's something in the making.
So...I'm making the effort starting tomorrow morning to stop sacrificing myself to please others. Actually, it's not really even to please others because I know Jon doesn't care about a bed that's not made or dishes in the sink. He would love it if I took better care of myself and fed my soul because he loves me and he loves to see me happy. My children deserve to have a mother who is healthy and happy and balanced. I think it's more about meeting the irrational standards of perfection that I have set up for myself.
Please pray for me that this week I will spend more time on 'important' things...and this includes ME.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

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