Friday, January 8, 2010
My sweet "Apple Jack"
Jackson is an amazing child. He is a complete love and I feel like I don't say enough about him in my blog, so this blog is dedicated to him.
Last night we watched some old home videos for fun. I've forgotten what Jackson was like as a baby. I remember when I used to ask my mother or my mother-in-law about raising their children and there answer was usually, "Hmmm, I don't remember."
What! You don't remember! How could you not remember?!!! But as I watched these old movies, I just kept thinking, "I don't remember what it was like to have just one child." "I don't remember the sound of his sweet little voice." "I don't remember what I did with my time?"
The memories came to me a little, but still looking into that six-month old face of Jack seemed like another lifetime to me. Now, I see a big, four-year old boy. A boy obsessed and enamored with all things "trains." A boy who sometimes has an attitude and a tone of voice that gets under my skin. I see a boy who has a heart for people and God. A boy who is impatient and a perfectionist. I see in him, the man he will become. Jackson is different from other children in the way that he seems wise beyond his years. He says things sometimes that leave me speechless and knowing that only God has done this. He says things like, "Mom, isn't it sad that some people don't know Jesus? I feel so sad for them."; or "Hey Colie, when you were in mommy's tummy, did you see her heart?" He is kind of an old soul.
Jackson has taught me so much about motherhood. I think I could've bypassed college and been just fine. All you ever need to know about life and people and yourself, you learn from motherhood, anyway. He has been my inspiration to do things differently...better. He has brought me closer to my Savior. He has shown me my own, ugly sin-nature. He made me a mother.
Jack is my miracle baby. For years, I've struggled with endometriosis. It's a terrible, painful disease and it I wondered if I would ever be able to conceive a baby. Before I was pregnant with him, I'd had 3 laparoscopy surgeries and one round of Lupron injections to put my body through menopause. Lots of women with endometriosis need medical help to conceive or don't conceive at all. But God, who gives and takes away, was so gracious to me. He put life inside of me and gave me the joy of knowing what it's like to love something so much that it hurts. I saw Jack for the first time, and my whole world changed. He was the most beautiful child I've ever seen, with dark hair and green eyes and a smile that brightens the world.
He scrunches his nose just like me when he laughs, just like me... and it's awesome!
To top it off, there is no ounce of Jon in him. He is all "my-child." This is good and bad. I see his faults and I know his weaknesses and hurts because they are my weaknesses and hurts. This sometimes makes it a little painful. I bite my nails whenever I see him struggle with feeling shy and anxiety-ridden because I remember that feeling all too well. I wish I knew a way to comfort him and let him know to give it time. God is going to do amazing things through him. He thrives on structure. He hates attention. He needs lots of sleep. When he is cranky, I know that he needs to be alone for 30 minutes and this is therapeutic to him. He has a strong perfectionistic tendency; which is why I'm trying to teach them that practice makes progress...not perfection, and that's okay. He is a true friend and stands up for what is right, even when it's not what he wants to do. He is sneaky, so watch him carefully! He loves animals and I think the perfect job for him is to be a veterinarian...or a pastor. He's gracious. He's photogenic. He can't hide his feelings. He is sensitive and gets his feelings hurts easily, but he also forgives quickly. He is slow to anger, but when he is angry...watch out! He is a deep-thinker. He has a heart for people, and prays for them; He once watched Oprah with me-a lady was hurt by a chimpanzee. The thought of her being embarrassed to show her face really worried him. He prayed for her that night-that God would help her to not be embarrassed when people stare...that she would "have a friend." He loves documentaries...weird, I know. He's the kind of kid who will fall head over hills in love at 16 and get his heart broken. But the good part about that is that it will never happen again because he will marry at a young age and be perfectly happy with his decision. He is determined, committed, and a high-achiever.
I'm madly in-love with this child. I'm impressed and challenged by him at the same time.
Jack-you're a good boy. I love you for who you are and who God will grow you to be. I will always love you, even when you make mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes. You are a joy to parent...Thank you for being my son.