Lately, I've been praying for Cole to get in Mother's Day Out. I didn't enroll him with Jackson last semester because I felt like I needed to be 100% fair. I didn't put Jackson into MDO til a month after he turned two so I didn't want to do it with Cole either. Now, it's too late-the class is full. I always feel bad for 2nd and 3rd (etc.) child. I know Cole doesn't know any different, but I feel like he's been deprived of never having my full attention. I'm a much different mother with Cole than I was with Jackson. Some for the better, and some...not so better. I don't freak out as much over the little things. I clean my house less than I used to, and after a couple years, I've learned to be okay with that. I'm more patient, I pick my battles, and I'm better at forgiving myself when I make mistakes. Not perfect at that last one, just better. However, now that I have two, I don't relish the moment as much as I should, I don't mark down every milestone, I don't play as much. I'm busier, I'm more hurried, and I listen less.
I try to be conscious of this and correct myself when I notice. But, two is more than double the work. I feel like there's not a lot of downtime. There's always things I could be doing. Laundry, phone calls, errands, making appointments, praying for my children, planning, reading. The list goes on and on and my mind runs wild.
Cole is more than a handful. I feel like he is worth two children. He is into everything and it's constant supervision and correction with him. He has a mischievous mind and a temper to beat all. I've written about this a lot and I know some of you are thinking, "Come on, how bad can he be?" But, really...you have to see to believe it. He's loud and reckless. He's under my feet all the time and if he's not, he's being destructive someplace. I pray for Cole a lot more than I pray for Jack. Not because I love him more, but...he needs more work. At least...this was my thought. I pray for his safety everyday-both for what he is capable of doing to himself, and what I'm afraid I might do to him. I pray for him to get a hold of his temper before it does real damage. I pray that he will learn to control his strong-will. I pray that his natural, insatiable curiosity does not lead him into trying rebellious things. So, I keep telling myself, that I have my work cut out for me and I'm working hard to change that boy!
I started thinking about when I was pregnant with him. He was even different even in the womb. My belly was moving all the time. He kicked hard! Sometimes I would just sit there and cry and try to squeeze my stomach muscles as tight as I could so he would get the hint that this was hurting mommy!!! He didn't get the hint. When we brought him home from the hospital he cried constantly. It wasn't a sweet little lamb cry like Jackson. It was a sound that in the middle of the night would cause my stomach to be tangled in knots because I knew I wouldn't be getting any sleep that night. I dreaded that cry. It always happened at 10:30 just as I turned out the light. For the first time in all my motherhood career, I put my baby in bed with me out of sheer desperation for sleep. I didn't call the shots anymore...he did.
So, thus began my journey of changing him. Only, I started to think maybe I was wrong in this. God created Cole. He knew that child before I did. He knew what his strengths and weaknesses would be. And I started to wonder...maybe I'm the one who needs changing. Maybe God gave me this child to build my character and grow me in ways that I'm incapable of on my own. Maybe God didn't allow Cole to be in Mother's Day Out for a reason.
Today, I changed the way I do things. Usually Monday is my day to get back on track with housework, errands, etc. I took Jack to school and I came home and sat in Cole's bedroom floor and just played. We did puzzles, read books, we played with trucks and built with blocks. He talked a lot to me. I've overlooked him. I've underestimated him. I really enjoyed him and I had fun. Fun is something I don't do enough.
So, I would still love for him to get into Mother's Day Out, but if he doesn't, I think I'm going to change my schedule a little and not make Monday my "Chore Day", but my "Cole Day."
"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." (Romans 12:2)