We went to the ultrasound appointment a few days ago to find out the sex of the new baby. I asked the boys what they thought it was and they emphatically said boy. I asked them, what made them so sure it was a boy, and Jack said he knew because since I'm the princess of the castle, I would have to be surrounded boogers, and toots, and dirt forever.
I watched Jon looking at the TV screen watching the tech measure the baby's head circumference and show us the beating heart. He was biting his nails in nervous anticipation. I knew he was hoping for another boy, but terrified that it would be a girl. I had decided I was going to be happy with whatever it was. Of course, having a girl would be fun, but I feel comfortable with my guys. I feel cherished and loved so much that I can't seem to split myself evenly between all three of them without someone saying they want me to themselves.
The tech told us it was another boy and Jon's face regained color and he spit out his fingernails. I on the other hand took a survey of the room.
Jon...Jackson...Cole...and now another one. I started to feel nauseous.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my boys for the world, and while I felt relieved to still be in familiar territory, I felt overwhelmed. Three boys...three men, really.
Over the next few days, the reality began to sink in. I'm raising three little boys who will one day grow into men. Men who I hope know the value of hard work, keep their word, tell the truth. Men who will be leading their own families. I felt an incredible amount of fear in knowing what a huge task this will be. I started doubting what God was thinking. Me...able to do a job so important...me?
Even though the fear hasn't subsided, the excitement has increased. Three wonderful boys...to love and to love me. Being the princess of the castle, just like Jack said. I can't think of anything more lovely.
"When I was a boy in my father's house, still tender, and an only child of my mother, he taught me and said, Lay hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands and you will live. Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Esteem her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. She will set a garland of grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendor. Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many. I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life." -Proverbs 4:3-10
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