Today has been one of those days when I feel like I've lost my joy. I don't know why exactly. Nothing has happened to put me in a bad mood, necessarily. I say "necessarily" because it's a daily battle for me-to keep my joy, whether it's been a rough day or not. This is something I'm trying to teach Jackson right now-that joy is different from happiness. I know the right things to say, yet I struggle myself. It's been the kind of day that I woke up and immediately felt like "Being a mom is the last job I want to do today." Sometimes I don't enjoy my job and I wonder if it would be easier to go to work...if I would feel happier, more fulfilled.
I realize in saying this, I'm bearing my soul. I'm giving you permission to judge me. So, I struggled today with wondering if I should even say how I feel. But, I also feel very strongly that moms need to be able to share their hearts and feel safe. Why is it as mothers we feel the need to look perfect, act perfect, and make everyone think we ARE the perfect mom? That we totally LOVE every aspect of our lives? That it gives us such joy to serve our families everyday? That we actually enjoy playing Candy-Land for the umpteenth time? Well, i personally hate Candy-Land...and Play-Doh...and building train tracks for that matter. I loathe building train tracks. I feel like I've lost my zest and excitement for motherhood. Every day is the same, and although it's a blessing to watch your children grow, learn, be there for them-it's also a 'thankless' job. You don't get a paycheck, or even a gold star.
I seem to get in this rut every three months or so, where I feel discontent. I keep telling myself what every other woman tells me, "This is a season of my life", "Enjoy it, because it goes so fast", "Someday, you will miss this." But when I feel like this, those things don't seem to help. If God knows my heart, surely he knows and understands how difficult this is for me. The "selfless" trait of motherhood does not come easy and it goes against everything that I am.
I've been reading every book I can get my hands on lately-mostly self-help books. I've read books on time management, books on self-talk, books on organization, books on how to love your children according to their 'love language', how to deal with strong-willed children, and how to better love my husband. And then it dawned on me. I haven't been reading God's word.
If God knows my heart, he understands how I'm feeling and I'm not doing this alone- even though I feel like I am. I'm not a person who can just aimlessly open their Bible and find that one verse that speaks to them, so...I googled. I was thinking of that verse that says how we were "knit together in our mother's womb." I found it (Psalm 139), and this is what it says,
v.1 "O Lord, you have searched me, and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you understand my thoughts from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And you are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Behold Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before. And laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can i go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence?" v.13-"For you formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." v. 17 "How precious also are your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You." v.23 "Search me, O God and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way."
That was a comfort to me...that he sees me. Even when I don't want to do my job...He sees me. Even when I feel alone...He sees me. Even when I feel like I'm a failure to my children...He sees me. When I've lost all joy...He sees me.
Lord, help me to be content in the season of my life. Help me to live in the moment and not constantly be looking forward to the next stage. Help me to find joy in where you have placed me and what you have given me. And when I can't seem to find that joy, help me to turn to your word...and patiently wait.
My friend Beth sent me this video link to me about a year ago. It ministered to me in so many ways, and days like today, i look it up and watch it-sometimes more than once. Hope you enjoy it as much as i did.