It's Been A Long Time

It's been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, time...since my last blog post, I mean.
I've been thinking about it for months now.  I've been wishing I had more time, telling myself that I'll do it tonight instead of watching TV, or doing laundry.  Having that third child has rocked my world.  Rocked. My. World.  Bravo, to all you moms who juggle four, five, six, etc.  I bow before you, like Wayne and Garth, and say..."We're not worthy, We're not worthy, We're not worthy, We suck!" (Only us kids who grew up in the 80's/90's will get that one).
Anyway, about 11 months ago, I "grounded" myself from blogging.  I did this because I simply cannot do everything.  CAN-NOT.  I am NOT every woman.  It's NOT all in me.  Anything, you want done, baby.  I do NOT do it, naturally. (Again, I'm dating myself).  Anyway, it's been a struggle for me.  I can't juggle it all-kids, laundry, carpooling, cleaning house, grocery shopping, meal-planning, breast-feeding, cooking, organizer, home-renovator,....there's summer Pinterest activities with the kids during the day, 'sex-kitten' to my husband at night (Sorry, dad), bible study, working the church nursery every Sunday morning, making a meal for the person who recently had a baby...or a surgery...or moved.  At the end of the day, I felt like a failure.  I had good intentions, but I'm only one person, and at some point, I've got to make myself believe that Martha Stewart has an entire entourage of staff who clean her house, and create that amazing garden, and label everything with a label-maker, get the permanent marker stain off her favorite shirt using only "green and organic" solutions that she makes herself, polish silverware, do yoga and "juice",  cooks the best roasted leg of lamb, and hand makes origami place cards for the Thanksgiving table.
I couldn't keep up with it all, and something had to go...so naturally, I punished myself and took away the two things I enjoy most: working out, and writing. Okay, maybe not the the working out.  I mean, I didn't take it away.....as in,...I don't...workout, that is.  I haven't since 2011, maybe 2010, I can't remember, and that's the honest truth.  But, I sacrificed the thing I did for me.  Blogging became something that I told myself I could make time for again, when I got the swing of balancing things better.
But...over these last few months, you know what?  I haven't really made any drastic improvements in managing it well.  It's still a struggle for me...and, that feels like death to a "Type-A" personality, but I really don't see things getting easier any time soon.  My life is not going to slow down in the near future.  Actually, until the boys go off to college, it's only going to get crazier, and more stressful, and more balls will be thrown at me to juggle (That sounds dirty... sorry, I live with four guys, and a male dog.  Naturally, there's a lot of "ball" humor at my house.)
So, I've decided, that once again, my idea of a "good" mother/wife, will have to change.  It will have to include something for me.  I don't want my children to one day leave my nest, and find myself wondering, "Who am I? Who are you, Steph? What are you about? What are your dreams and ambitions? What do you enjoy?"
So, since I've added blogging back onto my list of what's important, I guess something I'll have to sacrifice something else...like perfection.

If You Give A Mom A Muffin...

As moms, we've all read the books by Laura Numeroff...If You Give A Dog A Donut, If You Give A Pig A Pancake, If You Give A Cat A Cupcake, etc.

Yesterday morning I made myself a cup of coffee and by yesterday afternoon, I found my cup of coffee...cold, still sitting in the microwave where I had left it to reheat for the third time..  So,  I thought about this and related to these books.

If you give a mom a muffin, she'll say thank you and tell you how thoughtful it was for you to think of her.  She'll probably want a cup of coffee to go with it.  So, she will make herself a cup of coffee, and ask you how your muffin was.  While you're answering her, she'll see that you have muffin all over your face, so she'll go get you a napkin.  When she brings you your napkin, you'll reach for it and knock over your glass of milk.  So, your mom will get a towel to clean up the spilled milk.  While she's doing this, you'll start to whine because your shirt is cold and wet...so, she will take you upstairs to change your shirt.  Your younger brother sees that you changed your shirt and now he wants to change his shirt.  Your mom will say, "No, the shirt you're wearing is fine.  You're not going to make extra laundry for me to do."  That will remind her that she forgot to switch the laundry over, so she'll go downstairs and pull the laundry out of the dryer to fold.  Your little brother comes down crying because, "Bubba gets to wear long sleeves and I don't!  It's no fair!  I hate short sleeves!" Your mom will set your little brother in time out because of his ugly attitude.  When she turns around, she sees the dog staring at her and she'll wonder if he's been let outside this morning.  She'll let the dog outside and then go give the dog food and water.  While she's doing this she pulls some hamburger out of the freezer to thaw for dinner.  When she's putting the hamburger in the refrigerator, she moves over the container of coffee creamer.  Seeing the coffee creamer will remind her about her cup of coffee.  She'll go to take her first sip and realize that now her coffee is cold, and she'll put her coffee into the microwave.  As she's doing this, she hears the baby crying, and goes to get him from his crib.  She picks up the baby to see that he has had a diaper blowout and now his jammies are messy.  So, she'll change the baby's diaper and jammies, and take the dirty jammies to the washer, where she realizes the wet laundry in the washer has been sitting so long, that now it needs to be rewashed.  She adds soap and fills the washer up with water.  Meanwhile, your little brother is screaming from timeout that he's ready to get up.  She'll go to him and ask, "Why did mommy put you in timeout?" As she's trying to remember herself, why exactly he was sent to timeout, the baby starts crying.  She goes to check on the baby and sees that he's hungry, so she takes the baby to the rocking chair to nurse.  As she's nursing the baby, she takes a moment to herself to check her Facebook account.  She sees interesting posts from her friends about what they pinned on Pinterest, so she tells herself at nap time, she's going to get on Pinterest.  She finishes nursing the baby and makes you and your little brother lunch.  She then serves lunch, empties the dishwasher, loads the dishwasher, clears the table, sweeps the floor, mops the floor, and lets the dog back inside where he then tracks muddy paw prints on the newly cleaned floor.  She begins to look for the mop and realizes that she can't mop the floor because she's out of floor cleaner.  She goes to write down "floor cleaner" on her grocery list and hears you and your little brother fighting.  She walks upstairs to check and sees water all over the bathroom floor and you and your brother in soapy wet clothes.  She looks at you with big eyes and says, "What in the world is this mess about?  I can't leave the two of you alone for five minutes!"  Wearily she takes a big breath and says that she wishes this day was over already.  She starts to clean up the mess and tells you and your brother to change into some dry clothes.  While changing into dry clothes, your brother starts yelling, "I want to wear the Cars underwear."  You tell him no and say you had them first.  He keeps yelling and the yells turn to screams when you finally have enough and hit him.  He starts crying, the baby starts crying, you start crying, because now you know you're in trouble.  Your mom comes in and says, "I've had enough.  Everyone down for naps."  Your mom gets everyone down for a nap and takes a deep breath.  She goes to fold the laundry and remembers that she was going to browse Pinterest during nap time.  She hears her stomach growl and remembers she didn't eat any lunch.  She decides to grab something easy so she can get on the computer and she sees a plate of muffins.  She grabs the uneaten muffin...and chances are....if you give a mom a muffin, she'll want a cup of coffee to go with it.

First Loose Tooth

On March 24th, 2012, Jackson lost his first tooth.  He had been working on wiggling it for a couple weeks.  I was working in the yard and my nephew came running up saying Jack's tooth was bleeding.  Jackson showed Jon and Jon helped to pull it.  The sight of blood usually sends Jack into hysterics.  He thinks he's dying.  But once we cheered and high-fived, he was pumped.  I started to get emotional.  I thought of how that was the first tiny tooth in his little baby mouth.  I remember the picture I took of him in Easter Bunny ears with those two little teeth gleaming in their full glory.  I thought about how this is one of yet another step of him growing up and leaving me.  I waited til he left the room to cry...just a couple tears.

Sampson AKA "Bat Dog"

Sometimes I feel envious of Sampson.  Napping all day...taking a break to eat, go lie in the sunshine, go to the bathroom alone.  Rough life.  But, I don't envy when the boys do things like this.  Batman and Robin needed a partner to fight crime in Gotham City, so Sam graciously stepped in as "man's best friend" is dutifully required to do.  He cannot leap tall buildings in a single bound...he's getting old and arthritic.  He won't chase after the boys unless they're running with a hot dog.  When they say, "Come on, Bat Dog"...he usually yawns and lies down.  But...beggars can't be choosers.  Benji is a much worse choice of a third superhero.  Maybe he likes it.  Maybe he enjoys feeling needed for a few minutes...or even like someone cares.  Because honestly, most of the time I forget he's even here...so sad.  So enjoy your moment in the spotlight Sam..."Bat Dog."

A Little Baseball

A couple weeks ago, we took the boys to a Redhawks ballgame.  I didn't get many pictures of the boys, because I spent most of my time laughing hysterically.

I have the best time watching my boys when they don't know that I'm watching.  The dynamic between the two of them is comical.  Cole is the typical annoying little brother, tagging along with Jack and his friends.  He's mostly a nuisance to them, but I think they kind of enjoy having a little brother that will do just about anything they tell him too.  They seem to use this to their advantage.  I feel badly for the people sitting directly on the third base line.  The boys went down to hopefully catch a fly ball and ended up standing there the entire game.  Cole did have to come back to our seats when I caught him trying to climb the wall and get onto the field.  He said he was just trying to get his cup that he threw at the third baseman...punk kid.

A photo op with Rowdy, the Redhawk.  Jackson had the best time with his buddies, even with no foul ball.  There's no crying in baseball!

First Dinner of Summer

I've tried really hard since we've had children to make Sunday evenings our special family dinner night.  I wanted to make a tradition that my boys will remember and hopefully, continue to come to long after they move out of our home.  On Sundays, I try to fix something a little fancier than sandwiches and I use real dishes and silverware.  I even use cloth napkins because I have a goal of teaching my boys how to eat like gentlemen at dinner.  It's a losing battle, really, I don't know why I even bother.  Someone inevitably gets sent to the corner for burping...or worse, but, hey...a mother can dream, can't she?
This past Sunday, we enjoyed our first summer cookout.  We had barbeque chicken, squash and zuchinni, and tomatoes, all from our garden.  While Jon grilled, the boys had some fun on the Slip n' Slide and we finished the night off with roasting marshmallows and making s'mores.  Perfect Sunday dinner if you ask me.

This boy loves a chicken leg.  Notice the winter footie-jammies....it was only about 100 degrees outside.  Weird kid.

Jack making sure his "mallows" were just right.  I like mine a little burnt, Jackie.

Yeah, that's about perfect.

What a mess...but totally worth it.  Sticky goodness.

Son of a gun...that one was hot!  I'd burn all the skin of the inside of my mouth for a gooey marshmallow...I don't care that bad.

Even Sampson enjoys a s'more every now and then, which makes me giggle.  He loves them, but he hates that his paws get sticky.  I love watching him going crazy picking at his tacky, fuzzy feet all night.  It drives him bonkers...and makes me laugh.  I should've gotten a picture of him.  Enjoy a family dinner this Sunday with your family!

One of Those Days

Yesterday was one of those days....one of those days that I didn't enjoy my job.  The boys woke up at 6:45 that morning.  I promptly sent them back to bed and told them that just because the sun was up, didn't mean that they had to be.  They went back to their room, but not to sleep.  Pretty soon I heard fighting and I gave up and sent them downstairs for chocolate milk and cartoons.  My midnight bedtime and Benji's 3:45am feeding had me feeling a little grouchy that early in the day.  The morning started off with a bang and it continued that way as Benjamin wanted to nurse and be held all day.  My back was and is still killing me from all the holding and nursing and lack of stomach muscles for the last few months.  I had to let him cry it out a lot, which I hate, but I make myself do.  The boys are going stir-crazy already this summer, since we haven't gotten out like we have done other summers.  It's harder now with a newborn in tow.  Seems like the simplest of errands leaves me feeling erratic, overwhelmed, and sweaty....very sweaty.  I never used to sweat in my younger days, but since I've become a mother, stressful situations with my children make me sweat.  For instance, grocery store trips, frantically trying to feed everyone as quickly as possible, "leisurely" neighborhood walks where in our neighborhood, people drive like their on motor speedway, or trying to get all three boys loaded into the car to head out the door.
We had decided to go swimming at a friends' house yesterday afternoon.  I had given myself a two hour head start to pack everything up, make lunches, change into our swimsuits, and get out the door.  Sounds like plenty of time and even a little extra for the unexpected things, but no.  These days, it seems like no matter how much time I give myself, I'm always running 15 minutes late somewhere.  The math does not add up no matter how hard I try, I don't get it.  I break up a couple fist fights, send one to time out for the 17th time, change Ben's diaper...again, I try to get out of my pj's and into my clothes...for the 3rd time.  Somehow, I manage to get everyone packed up and heading toward the car...Ben still screaming (he hates the car seat).  As I'm walking to my car, I remember thinking, "That dumpster smells terrible," referring to our trashcan.  Only, I open the car door and realize the smell is worse inside my car.  Jackson starts yelling, "Gross! What's that smell?" I'm looking under the seats, for shoes or dirty socks, a spoiled bottle, anything to blame the stink on.  I open the back hatch and notice a forgotten grocery bag...with a chicken in it.  "OH...MY...GOSH! Daddy forgot a bag in the back!" I say, just as Cole starts gagging and dry heaving.  I pick it up only to realize it's liquefying and dripping out of the sack.  I toss it in the dumpster and go to grab Cole out of the car before he get sick and makes the smell worse.  Now Cole is crying saying, "I want to go swim, but I don't want to ride in the stinky carrrrrr!"  Ben....still screaming.  Jack...asking a million questions like, "Why did dad do that?  Will our car smell like this forever? Are we going to have to buy a new car?  Can we still go swim?"  I...am sweating...profusely.  And leaking milk through my shirt...and cursing my husband's name.  Motherhood is NOT for punks.
I clean up the mess and hang the car rug on the fence to dry...which reminds me, it wasn't still hanging on the fence when I got home, so either it blew in the backyard from the Oklahoma wind yesterday or someone stole it.  Note to self, go look for that in a few minutes.  Anyway, we get to the pool...in one piece.  Jack, however did look a little green for a while.  Poor baby.
The day eventually turns better when I look through the pictures on my phone and see this...

Gosh, he melts my heart and makes me forget about all the things I hate about my job.  All of them do.  They say the sweetest things, or bring me flowers, or make me a wedding ring out of a flower stem.  I love my boys...and the "paycheck" they give me.