"Lightbulb" Moments

I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place right now. I've been in an emotional battle with myself for quite some time...28 years to be exact. The good news is...I've made some real progress over the last three years! Progress that is changing my life-my relationship with my husband and my children, my thoughts about myself, the way I react in situations I don't want to be in, etc. God has really been working on me now for three long years. To grow is painful. I don't take pain easily. I'm a baby when it comes to pain; physical, emotional, psychological. I was born into this world wanting to have it easy in every area of my life...unfortunately, God didn't see it my way. I've experienced a lot of pain...a lot.
Isn't it amazing, how when you think you've finally got yourself figured out, life pushes you face down in the mud and calls you a 'wiener'? You're flying high, feeling good, got your ducks in a row, and suddenly...the bottom drops out. To put it mildly...I'm a work in progress. I've battled with addictions my whole life: obsessive cleaning, compulsive thoughts, my battle with food, spending money when I'm emotional, amongst other unmentionable addictions. I know some of you might be thinking I'm being dramatic, but honestly, I do struggle.
I was watching Oprah today-I know, I know! How typical of a housewife to get advice from Oprah, but I swear, God has spoken to me through many an "Oprah Winfrey" show before! She had a guest on her show speaking about a book she wrote about women and their addictions to food. Isn't it interesting how men don't struggle with food as an emotional issue quite like women? But as I was watching this she was talking about addictive behavior and how we choose a behavior to avoid feeling the emotions we have instead. I'm eating when you aren't really hungry. I'm obsessively cleaning when my house is spotless, I'm telling myself things that I know, logically, aren't true, I'm shopping for something when I don't know what exactly I'm looking for nor do I need anything. The cycle is repetitive...I do the same behaviors over and over, expecting different results than the last time.
I've lived since I was four years old, believing that I'm not enough...I'm not enough and I'm too much, all at the same time. If I do it differently...better, then...then they will be happy...I will be happy. If I look good on the outside, they won't notice how painful it is on the inside. I've failed. What if they leave me?
I relate all things in my life to motherhood. Seriously...who needs high school, or college, or a doctorate? The most important thing in our life comes down to relationships, and you don't learn that by earning a degree, it comes from life experience. My children have taught me so much...so much. I see my faults in ways I've taught them. But, I'm also seeing my strengths in what I've taught them. There is no better feeling than to watch your child doing something great and to have the satisfaction of knowing that you are responsible for that. No amount of money, drugs, alcohol, or sex will satisfy you like this will.
My "lightbulb" moment is to be aware from now on. When I face a stressful moment, instead of reacting prematurely, I'm going to think...What am I feeling right now? What am I "hungry" for? Will I feel better after I do my "drug of choice", or will it leave me still feeling empty? What can I learn from this experience?
I will stop telling myself that I'm not good enough. I will stop dwelling on my failures. I will remind myself that "it" wasn't about me. I will stop pursuing perfection, and remember that practice does not make perfection, but progress. I will include God in my decisions about even the simple things....food, time management, feelings, etc. I will forgive myself. I will ask myself my favorite Dr. Phil question...How's this workin' for me? I will remember that the difference between prayer and worry is to whom you direct your thoughts. I will stop punishing myself for what is in the past and out of my control. I will stop thinking about the "what-if's". I will stop measuring my self-worth on what the world says is successful. I will embrace my body at every stage of my life and be thankful at how it has taken care of me. I will take the word "but", out of my vocabulary. I will dwell on what I'm thankful for and blessed with instead of my shortcomings. I won't resist change. I will end each day with telling myself, "Good job, Steph...and we'll try again tomorrow".
Be patient...God isn't finished with me, yet.

Ring Around the Tub

Now that it's summer we've been spending a lot more time outside. The weather has been great lately, with the exception of the wind. Every night, this is what my tub looks like after the boys bathe....

Boys: aka Loud Noise Covered in Dirt

This is what happens when you leave your children alone for 30 seconds while you actually have an uninterrupted conversation with another adult....






Never trust the silence...that's when you know they're doing something they shouldn't be.

God Answers Prayer

It has been a busy month for us here at the Elliott house. A whirlwind of events, really. Since the last time I blogged, Jon and I decided to put our home up for sale. It's something we were planning on doing sometime this spring anyhow, but we thought that we would have some sort of clue as to where we would be moving. We've been looking for a new home on and off for three years now. Due to other events in our life and not finding what we were looking for, it was really becoming a frustrating search. So, here at the last minute, we decided we would take advantage of the tax incentive going on and put our house up for sale in hopes that some young couple would be looking for their first home. April 13th our home went on the market. I was still painting that afternoon when our realtor called and said that we had our first showing the next night. Someone actually called and wanted a showing two hours after our house was listed on MLS. We received an offer from that couple later in the week and sadly, things didn't go through. Jon and I were really upset, thinking we had blown this opportunity of an offer. We just kept beating ourselves up over it.
Meanwhile, we found a home we loved, made an offer and it was denied. Not counter-offered, just denied, period. Jon said he had prayed before he called to make the offer that God would close the door if this wasn't meant to be. Well, God closed it. So, in our minds...it was over. We prayed and God delivered.
The very next day, I was telling my friend the story when Jon walks in the room. He has his phone where I can hear the owner of "the house" telling Jon he would like to make us a counter-offer! We were shocked! It was great news.
However, now the pressure was on. Jon has been working a lot of hours recently. This is not his normal schedule but he's a salesman and currently has a big job going on downtown for the brand new Devon building. It's going to be the largest building to ever be built in Oklahoma. It's been a huge blessing to us, but also has been a test of patience for me. I'm not used to my husband having this schedule. Meanwhile, I am with the kids all day, and trying to paint and keep the house spotless for showings. Tension is running high.
I began praying for a buyer. Prayer is and has always been a struggle for me. I tend to dwell and worry and think, rather than talk to God about how I'm feeling. I clean house for a precious little lady named Peggy. On Peggy's wall is a wall hanging that says, "The difference between prayer and worry is to whom you direct your thoughts."
I've dusted this wall hanging every other week for two years. I think about the meaning of it, a lot, and so I thought I would put this saying into practice. I've been praying for a buyer every time the thought comes into my mind....literally about five times a day. I got tired of praying the same thing every time, so I prayed that God would cut greediness out of me, that I would be willing to take a lower offer for the sake of selling. I prayed for the buyers that God would be preparing their hearts. I prayed that I would have my ears open to hear God's voice and nudging in anything I needed to be aware of. I prayed like I've never prayed before. I began to have a peace that I've never had before. I began to feel that God didn't lead me to this place for it to fall threw. I knew then, that he was in control, he would take care of us, and he would bring a buyer into our lives.
Eleven days after our house went onto the market, we found a buyer. A young couple, pregnant with their first child, gave us a great offer. I found later that they made an offer on a house a few days before, only to be denied, and I started to think about how God had probably answered their prayers too. I'm sure they were upset when their offer on the previous house wasn't accepted. Time was running out for them on making the tax credit and with her expecting, I'm sure she's feeling the need to find a home.
I know I shouldn't be surprised when God blesses me...when He answers my prayers...when he gives me my hearts' desires. But...I am. Why does the creator of the universe care about what's going on in my little world? It's baffling to me sometimes.
I'm grateful for this time in our lives, even if it is a little stressful. I'm excited to bring my kids to their new home and watch them play in the backyard. I'm excited to see Jack run up and down the stairs-this was his one and only requirement on a house! I'm so thankful to God and feel so humbled by his love and blessing. It reminds me of the verse that Jon and I put on our wedding program:
"Now unto Him who is able to do abundantly more than we could ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20

Trinity Tornadoes

Tuesday, we had our first T-ball game. I've been looking forward to this for the past few weeks...actually, that's not true. I've been looking forward to this since I found out I was pregnant with Jackson. I dreamed of sitting in the stands cheering my little heart out for my boy and Jon being a coach for the team. Jackson had a little anxiety before the game, but Jon practiced with him in the yard before we went to the field and that helped. Honestly, I think my nerves were worse than his. All day I'd been making notes for a list of things I didn't want to forget. I try really hard not to put my fears onto my children, but I was a little nervous for him. I don't like to see my children anxious or uncomfortable in situations that don't feel natural to them. Cole, I've always noticed is the more athletic child. He's more aggressive too. Jackson is sensitive and polite and this made me wonder how much he would really enjoy sports. I have to tell you, he impressed me. He was not very happy that he had to wear jeans to the game...with a hole in the knee, God forbid! Darn it when little boys don't pull their britches down far enough at the potty and leak onto their sweatpants. So, right as we were heading out the door, his only choice was to wear jeans. He fussed and complained about it the entire ride to the field. I assured him that most kids on the team would be wearing jeans also...sure enough, not a one. Jackson really enjoyed himself. I could tell he enjoyed the game...even batting. He was so worried he would hit a ball and it would go behind him and not in front. I told him everyone will hit a foul ball and sure enough, he hit two. But, he also got two base hits and he scored a run. My proudest moment was when a ball was hit to him at third and he threw it to first and his teammate tagged the player out. He even showed a little aggression by chasing after a hit ball...along with every other player on his team...and he and Justyce collided. No tears though! He got up and dusted himself off and went back to dancing around in the field! I thought this moment was so cute-Natalie was crying almost the entire game because: 1)she didn't like her hair-such a girl!...and 2)she didn't want anyone else wearing her batting helmet. Jackson was trying to comfort her and do funny things-he did end up getting a smile and a laugh out of her! After the game, we took Jack to 7-11 to get a cherry coke. I asked him if he had fun and he said, "Yeah, but I'm upset we didn't win." I had to explain to him that he did win...the Trinity Tornadoes won the game. "Oh!," he said, "Well then, where's my trophy?"

Date Night with Jackson

Tonight was Jackson's date night. When I asked him last week what he wanted to do, he said he wanted to eat dinner at Johnny Carino's (his favorite restaurant), go bowling, get a movie to rent, eat fondue at the Melting Pot, and get a toy at Toys R Us. I had to remind him that mommy was not a millionaire and I also had to keep the cost fair between he and Cole, so we narrowed our choices down. He settled for dinner at home. He requested chocolate-chip pancakes, bacon, and strawberries and blueberries. Breakfast for dinner is one of his favorites.




The boys making funny faces.





Next, we went bowling. On the way there, Jackson and I made a pact that he and I would be on a team and compete against daddy. I'm usually a pretty good bowler, but Jon has the whole "athletics" thing in his favor. Needless to say, I do not. Unbelievably, Jackson beat both Jon and I! Jon was behind by just two points-Jack was pretty proud of himself. He did have the benefit of the ramp to give a little extra boost, but even still, I was impressed! Jon and I really like bowling with the kids because it gives us an excuse to use the bumpers. I love the bumpers!


Check out that scoreboard-amazing, huh???

We took Jackson to Family Video and let him pick a Scooby Doo movie and a train documentary. Isn't he bizarre? What four-year old likes documentaries? Thank goodness for free kids movies at Family Video-makes for a cheap night of entertainment!
Afterwards, we headed to the Melting Pot. Jackson has been wanting to go there and have chocolate fondue for quite some time now. It's one of the "someday" things that we haven't ever gotten around to before. Jackson chose the Flaming Turtle-milk chocolate, caramel, and pecans, all flambeed. He loved it. I just loved watching him eat the chocolate. He didn't care that he was making a mess all over the table, his shirt or his face. He just enjoyed every minute of it. Jon and I hardly ate anything. But, Jackson had no problem clearing the platter. He even asked the waiter if he could have some extra strawberries.






As we left I asked Jackson if he had a good date night. He said, "Yeah, sometimes it nice to be without 'little trouble' (AKA Cole). But now, I'm ready to go home and see Colie."
Some things I noticed about Jackson tonight. 1)He loves to be touched, encouraged, and talked to intimately. 2)He is funny...really hysterical. 3)He thrives on one-on-one time. 4)He is the best big brother. He is glad to have time away from the little one, but he thinks about him constantly. He kept saying, "Mom, wouldn't Cole love this?"
Jackson, you are the light of my life, my joy, my firstborn son, and there is none like you.

Sesame Street Live with Cole

Jon and I are trying something new-individual date nights with our boys. We've done them with Jackson for a couple years now, but since Cole is getting older we decided it was time for him to get his own date night with mommy and daddy, too.
Since Sesame Street Live was coming to the Cox Center, I took the opportunity to plan this for his date. Cole loves Elmo and Cookie Monster.
We dropped Jackson off at Birdie and Grumpy's. Jackson was not the least bit jealous that Cole's date night came first. I don't know if he was happier about going to Birdie and Grumpy's or that he didn't have to see Elmo. That's for babies, you know!!!
When we finally got the convention center, it seemed like Cole was more interested in the seats. He kept sitting in them and then jumping out quickly and watching it flip back up. He climbed all over me. I was a little disappointed thinking, "He doesn't even care. I could've just saved 60 bucks."


But then Elmo began to sing, "La-la, la, la. La-la, la, la...Elmo's world!" Cole was singing...no shouting the song at the top of his lungs. He just stared at the stage and I just stared at him. I would've paid $60 just to see that sheer joy and excitement on his little sweet face. My mind went back to when Jack was 18 months old. We took him to see Elmo, and he gave that same look of pure childhood magic! It made me a little sad-to know that Jackson has grown so much in three years. Cole is now almost 2 1/2. I can't believe this. Seems like just yesterday I was up every hour in the middle of the night nursing that little curly, red-headed baby. Now, no more curls. No more red hair-it turned brown. But he still sucks his thumb and loves Elmo so...I'll take it.



I was feeling really nostalgic. In my mind, I was thinking..."I could do one more baby."
We took Cole to Lushberries-he wanted some "Gogut." We got him some yogurt, I'm feeding him and he's insisting standing in the chair. I look over and say, "Colie, sit down on your bottom," just as he takes a step backward and falls out of the chair. No catch with his arms, no knees hitting the concrete floor first to break the impact. No! That would be too convenient for me. He hits the floor face-first. I immediately pick him up and look at his mouth for bleeding and see half his tooth sitting on his lip. Perfect. This will be only the second time to have his tooth fixed, and actually, he chipped the one next to it months ago, but I decided it wasn't bad enough to take him back in. The kid isn't old enough to have had dental cleaning, but he will have made multiple trips for dental work. This...the week after Jackson had to have a filling. For the girl who used to work for a dental practice, I'm not doing very well with my own children.
I pick him up and hold and comfort him til he stops crying. He just kept saying, "My teef boaked." His little lips are swollen and bruised. He has a red bump on his head. I put him to sleep and close his door and think maybe God just wants this momma to have only two boys!