Frogs, Snails, Puppy Dog Tails.....

The Pursuit of Happiness for 2012.

2012-01-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

I've taken a very long sabbatical from blogging recently. The holidays really take it out of me, especially being pregnant. In all the ways in which I really TRY to be a supermom....I can't do everything, so some things must take a back seat. But, with the new year, I've had a some time to sit and think and self-evaluate my life and I what I want for the upcoming year.
New Year's is not my favorite holiday. I think it's a little because I have some sadness that Christmas is over. All the build-up and anticipation is gone in just one day. It's a little disheartening. I think it can be especially for women because you realize all the work that goes into baking, cooking, decorating, shopping, wrapping, and memory-making for those you love. Moms and women in general, are superheros this time of year.
But also, the new year leaves me feeling a little defeated that I have to start all over again. One year down, many more to go. And, I'm supposed to make some sort of resolution? For what? To lose weight? Be healthier? Watch less TV? Read more books? Invest money into my 401K? Do home improvements? Run a marathon? And, why?
It's been said that up to 80% of New Year's Resolutions made, fail. So, why do we make them? I want a life change, not a goal that I won't attain and leaves me feeling like a failure in the end.
For Christmas, my bestie gave me a book, entitled The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. I've only read a couple chapters so far, but I feel inspired by this woman's journey to figure out what exactly makes her happy and then pursue it. Of course these things are not necessarily what everyone would agree as quick fixes for happiness. I probably won't ever win the lottery, or build my absolute dream home; the world won't ever know my name. But, do these things really bring happiness, anyway?
The first goal of the book is to establish exactly what makes you happy. This was actually quite difficult as I thought it through. All the things in my life that I've accomplished thus far, I remember years back, longing for theses things and thinking then that once I had them, things would be perfect. I wanted so bad to be married to Jon...done. Have babies...done. A big house...done. But so many times, these things I take for granted and keep wanting more. What if LESS is actually what is needed for happiness?
So, I thought about when I'm most happy. I love being outside and enjoying nature, taking long walks. I enjoy blogging and writing and being creative. I like things being organized and clutter free. I find I tend to really enjoy things that I thought I would hate and things that challenge me. I'm happier when I'm well-rested and have had taken time for myself. I'm my best when my relationship with my husband is close and and we're "in-tune". I'm at peace when I've had my time with the Lord every day. I'm able to give more of myself to my family when I've had time to wake up early in the morning and drink coffee before the demands begin. I have the most fun with my children when we're doing things that don't involve spending money or the latest toys.
So, this is my goal for this year...to pursue happiness through doing more of what I enjoy and doing it with less "stuff". I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Wish me luck!

"It is by studying the little things, that we attain the great art of having little misery, and as much happiness as possible."
-Samuel Johnson

Happy Fall, Y'all

2011-11-30T08:40:00.000-08:00

Well, I've taken a little sabbatical from blogging. Mostly because our computer crashed, but also I've felt like I don't have much to share lately. My kids have sucked all the existing brain cells from my head and there's not much left. I don't know what it is about the fall season beginning that get kids so out of sorts. It seems like all of a sudden, they've forgotten all the house rules, including, but not limited to, how to fall asleep on their own, not to punch your brother in the mouth, my belly is NOT a beanbag, and watch your tone of voice when you're speaking to your mother.
I had to reteach them a few things...some of this came back to memory fairly quickly, others are taking a little longer. In midst of the chaos, we've still managed to enjoy the season. The leaves were beautiful a couple weeks ago. The boys have enjoyed making piles of leaves in the backyard and jumping in them. This provides entertainment for hours on end, the only downfall being that Sampson's "piles" hide very well under the leaves. I've loved the cooler weather and all the smells from my favorite candles and some yummy, home cooked food that goes along with the season.
A month ago, we celebrated the evening by carving our jack-o-lantern. Please excuse the quality of the pictures, I took them with my phone. Even more so, please ignore the horrendous wallpaper in the background. I swear, we ARE getting closer to renovating the kitchen. I know, we've only been saying this for the last 18 months.

Jon...not enjoying gutting the pumpkin.

My sweet "Jack"-o-lantern...get it?!

We even roasted the pumpkin seeds. These were a big hit for Jack, Cole...not so much. He has a weird gag-reflex.

The front porch.

Happy fall, y'all!

Happy Halloween 2011

2011-11-20T14:44:00.000-08:00

Happy Halloween from Spiderman and John Wayne! I'm still throwing away Halloween candy little, by little. Hopefully, one day soon, I can get rid of all of it!

My Three Sons

2011-11-19T20:48:00.001-08:00

We went to the ultrasound appointment a few days ago to find out the sex of the new baby. I asked the boys what they thought it was and they emphatically said boy. I asked them, what made them so sure it was a boy, and Jack said he knew because since I'm the princess of the castle, I would have to be surrounded boogers, and toots, and dirt forever.
I watched Jon looking at the TV screen watching the tech measure the baby's head circumference and show us the beating heart. He was biting his nails in nervous anticipation. I knew he was hoping for another boy, but terrified that it would be a girl. I had decided I was going to be happy with whatever it was. Of course, having a girl would be fun, but I feel comfortable with my guys. I feel cherished and loved so much that I can't seem to split myself evenly between all three of them without someone saying they want me to themselves.

The tech told us it was another boy and Jon's face regained color and he spit out his fingernails. I on the other hand took a survey of the room.
Jon...Jackson...Cole...and now another one. I started to feel nauseous.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my boys for the world, and while I felt relieved to still be in familiar territory, I felt overwhelmed. Three boys...three men, really.
Over the next few days, the reality began to sink in. I'm raising three little boys who will one day grow into men. Men who I hope know the value of hard work, keep their word, tell the truth. Men who will be leading their own families. I felt an incredible amount of fear in knowing what a huge task this will be. I started doubting what God was thinking. Me...able to do a job so important...me?

Even though the fear hasn't subsided, the excitement has increased. Three wonderful boys...to love and to love me. Being the princess of the castle, just like Jack said. I can't think of anything more lovely.

"When I was a boy in my father's house, still tender, and an only child of my mother, he taught me and said, Lay hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands and you will live. Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Esteem her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. She will set a garland of grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendor. Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many. I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life." -Proverbs 4:3-10

We're Expecting!

2011-10-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

16 weeks

15 weeks

8 weeks

10 weeks

God has blessed us with another little life that will be here around the first of April! We are so excited and the excitement is growing since we are in the 'safety zone'. I'm now 17 weeks along and I'm feeling movement which is fun and reassuring to me that this pregnancy is healthy and progressing like it should be. I hesitated to announce anything for awhile due to us losing the last one. I didn't feel confident even though I've had two healthy babies in the past. One miscarriage really makes you gun shy and it's easy to let worry take you over. I've had to really commit myself to prayer and trusting that God is in control. This has been really difficult for me even though I know that there's nothing that I can do to keep this baby alive and healthy on my own. But as the movement happens more frequently and my belly grows bigger, I'm doubting less and trusting more and thanking God every step of the way.

POP's

2011-10-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

On a cool fall Friday night, we took a quick little road trip to Arcadia to go visit Pop's. Pop's is a gas station/restaurant that boasts of having the largest selection of soda pop...or as we Oklahomans call it..."Coke". Everything is a Coke. They have over 600 different types of "Coke," anything you could ever want. We enjoyed cheeseburgers and fries and the boys washed it down with neon colored, fizzy drinks. I opted to have a cookies n' cream malt instead and I think I made the best choice of anyone. It was a fun experience to do something a little different for family fun night.

Man's Best Friend

2011-10-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

Last month, we had a big scare in our family. Sampson, our first-born was hit by a car. I guess it was just a matter of time, really. Usually, Sam is pretty good about lying in the yard when we're outside. He likes to nap in the sunshine and watch the world go by while do yard work or when the boys play basketball. Occasionally, since he just lies there...we forgot he's even outside with us. That's exactly what happened that night and I didn't even notice he was missing until I went to let him outside before bed. It was too late, he was no where to be found. After searching the neighborhood for half an hour, Jon called the pound and sure enough, he had been picked up.
They mentioned to Jon that he was limping and may have possibly been hit by a car in the neighborhood. They said he seemed to not be in any pain, and he was just probably a little sore since he's getting up there in his years. We were told we could pick him up the next morning, but when I was able to get him, I knew immediately that something was wrong. Call it mother's intuition or just that I know my animal better than animal control, but I rushed him to the vet right away. Much to our surprise he hadn't been hit by a car in the neighborhood, but on a main street outside our neighborhood at 35-40 mph. Someone called the pound when they panicked seeing a dog rolling in the street, unable to get up. He was in a lot of pain and the doctor had to put him to sleep just to get an x-ray. Turns out Sampson had a broken tailbone, an air pocket where is muscle tore, and black and purple bruises all over.
It was a very emotional situation for all of us, but we were just grateful to still have him with us. I thought about how he's been with us through almost every step of our married lives. Jon and I bought him a couple days after Christmas when we had just been married six months. He was our first responsibility as a married couple-he trained us for the messes and frustrations that children would later bring. He was there with us through two moves and new changes that life brings. He loves and protects my children and has become a great playmate for them...putting up with being ridden like a horse, costume changes, and being dragged around that backyard on a leash. He's been a comfort to me when Jon has been out of town and I was scared to be alone.
He's often overlooked and ignored. He's been a source of anger for me when tracks mud on my carpets and i find his hair on EVERYTHING. I've seen him as a financial burden when I go to the vet to update his shots and $300 later, I'm finally able to leave. I've cursed his name as a stepped in a big pile of fresh poop in the backyard. But, these days, we're just counting him as a blessing. He's had a few more home cooked meals and ear rubs, and I even let him up on my "pretty" furniture in the formal living room. We are so grateful he was a fighter and is still with us.

Dirty Laundry

2011-09-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

I hate laundry. Let me say it again...I LOATHE laundry. I can tolerate the washing and drying and even the folding...sometimes that feels therapeutic to me. It's the putting away and the hanging up that I hate. Since we moved into this house a year ago, I've been falling behind on my laundry duties. Lugging the laundry downstairs to clean and then upstairs to put away makes my disdain for it even stronger. To top it off, this summer it seems like all three of my guys have been wearing more clothes in one day than a house full of teenage girls. Jon changes clothes when he gets home from work. The boys change from jammies, to clothes, to a swimsuit, to another set of clothes, and back to jammies. I HATE laundry!

First Day of School

2011-09-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, Jackson had his first day of kindergarten. The night before, we celebrated with his requested meal of mom's hamburgers with grilled corn on the cob. For dessert we had chocolate fondue and lots of goodies to dip. Jackson went to bed early and fell asleep right away. Mommy, on the other hand...that's another story. When you're a kid, you never hear of your mom being nervous the day before school begins, but it happens. Actually, my nervousness trumped any butterflies that Jack might have had. I kept going over the details of the next day, making sure I had everything on the supplies list, making sure it was all labeled, making sure his clothes were ironed and laid out. I wondered if he would cry when I left him, who he would sit by at the lunch table and who would be his friend on the playground. This year was extra difficult for me since Yukon schools approved all day kindergarten for this school year. I wondered if this was the right decision for a barely six-year old "baby" to be away from his mommy for eight hours a day, five days a week.
I woke up before my alarm went of the next morning and drank my coffee and packed his lunch. I wrote a note to put into his lunchbox telling him how much I loved him...just in case he forgot...by noon, you know. I sat on the porch swing and prayed for him...and me. i think mostly for me. I thought of how I'd imagined this day in my mind since the day he was born...dreaded this day actually. You hold your newborn in your arms and think that the next 5 to 6 years won't fly by, but it does. It flies...overnight. He woke up in a good mood ready for his new adventure. We decided to walk to school since it's so close and I figured that would work out any jitters he had. Sampson made the walk with us, and I think that was especially comforting to Jack. I did notice, that he packed Raffi (his beloved stuffed giraffe) in his backpack. I had to remind him that Raffi can't come out of the backpack at big school like he did at Mother's Day Out. He assured me he wouldn't take him out, but he said that it made him feel better just knowing he was there. Jon and I have had many conversations with Jack, jokingly asking if Raffi would attend his first day of kindergarten, his college graduation, his wedding day. So far, he's still hanging around.
I walked Jack into his room while Jon, Cole, and Sampson stayed outside. I helped him hang his backpack, find his name tag and put his supplies away. I kissed him goodbye and told him I would be praying for him all day. He smiled and cautiously made his way to the carpet to sit. I stood there watching and biting my nails as I saw him looking for who he might be friends with. He sat in the group of boys and I watched and listened to their conversations about superheros and what characters they had on the backpacks. I began to stereotype the kids...the jock, the troublemaker, the nerd who wore 1/2 inch thick glasses and wanted to find all the kids whose names started with a 'C' like his, the bookworm kid who wore Velcro shoes with navy socks and drooled as he stared at the reading list of books. Not much ever changes, you know. I started to feel like he was going to be okay after I saw that Jack's label was going to be somewhere between the older cool kid/role model and the ladies' man....not that I want my kid to be a ladies' man, but I did notice that he was the best looking and the little girls noticed too, so I'm just saying.

As I left, his teacher handed me this poem. i didn't have time to read it til I got home and Cole was settled in watching his cartoons and drinking chocolate milk. I read this poem, and felt peaceful knowing that she's a mother and she's been through this experience before and she must understand how I feel. The poem was called Jack and the Beanstalk, and I couldn't help but feel like it was written especially for me since the boy's name was Jack. Then, I had a good cry.

Three o' clock couldn't come fast enough for either Cole or I so at 2:30, we headed to the carpool line and parked at the catwalk and made our way to stand at Jack's door. As his teacher began sending them out, one by one, I couldn't help but smile. He ran up to me with his face beaming, and yelled, "Mom, I had a GREAT day!" All the preparation, doubt and worry disappeared as I saw the joy on his face and knew that he truly did have a great day.

Here's the poem Jack's teacher gave me:

Jack and the Beanstalk

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Jack who was about to climb his very first beanstalk. He had a fresh haircut and a brand-new book bag. Even though his friends in the neighborhood had climbed this same beanstalk almost every day last year, this was Jack's first day and he was a little nervous. So was his mother.

Early in the morning she brought him to the foot of the beanstalk. She talked encouragingly to Jack about all the fun he would have that day and how nice his giant would be. She reassured him that she would be back to pick him up at the end of the day. For a moment they stood together, silently holding hands, gazing up at the beanstalk. To Jack it seemed bigger than it had when his mother had pointed it out on the way to the store last week. His mother thought it looked big, too. She swallowed. Maybe she should have held Jack out a year...

Jack's mother straightened his shirt one last time, patted his shoulder and smiled down at him. She promised to stay and wave while he started climbing. Jack didn't say a word.

He walked forward, grabbed a low-growing stem and slowly pulled himself up to the first leaf. He balance there for a moment and then climbed more eagerly to the second leaf, then to the third and soon he had vanished into a high tangle of leaves and stems with never a backward glance at his mother.

She stood alone at the bottom of the beanstalk, gazing up at the spot where Jack had disappeared. There was no rustle, no movement, no sound to indicate that he was anywhere inside.

"Sometimes," she thought, "it's harder to be the one who waves good-bye than it is to be the one who climbs the beanstalk."

She wondered how Jack would do. Would he miss her? How would he behave? Did his giant understand that little boys sometimes acted silly when they felt unsure? She fought down the urge to spring up the stalk after Jack and maybe duck behind a bean to take a peak at how he was doing. I better not. What if he saw me? She knew Jack was really old enough to handle this on his own. She reminded herself that after all this was thought to be an excellent beanstalk and that everyone said his giant was not only kind but had outstanding qualifications.

"It's not that I'm worried about him," she thought, rubbing the back of her neck. "It's just that he's growing up and I'm going to miss him." Jack's mother turned to leave. "Jack's going to have lots of bigger beanstalks to climb in his life," she told herself.

"Today's the day he starts practicing for them...And today's the day I start practicing something too: Cheering him on and waving good-bye."

(Author Unknown)

You Make Beautiful Things Out of the Dust

2011-08-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the
new has come!" -2 Corinthians 5:17

God's is taking the ugly things in my life, my character, my attitude and he's shaping me to be more like him. I'm so far from where I need to be: I'm selfish, I use my tongue as a weapon, I dwell on the past, I hold grudges, I judge others, I'm a quitter, I'm stubborn, I let fear control me, I still try to do it all on my own. But...I'm growing. I'm learning to work on these things which will, for me, be a lifelong process considering what a mess I am, but that's all part of the journey, right?
I don't have a sweet story...it's ugly truth and shameful secrets and a past that I don't like to remember, but God is still showing me how I'm not defined by these things. I've come a long way from the kicking and screaming that I used to do, when he wanted me to use my testimony to glorify him. There used to be a security in perfection. The first year Jon and I were married, our biggest argument was about cleaning the house...not the lack of cleaning, but the obsessive cleaning. I couldn't sit still. I was always up scrubbing something or switching the laundry over or mopping the floors for the 3rd time that day. Jon wanted me to sit and relax and spend time with him, but I was held captive by the irrational thought that everything had to be perfect. It had to be perfect or I was afraid he would leave me. Looking back, I laugh at how little I knew about my husband then. He is not bothered in the least by a mess. He doesn't even notice. Isn't this just like God, and how He's not bothered by what a mess we are? We don't have to fix ourselves or 'clean house' before we begin a relationship with him. He says, "Come as you are." I'm starting to think that maybe a tattered, torn story really is what's beautiful. He's taken me and he's turning me into the opposite of what I used to be. Isn't that what a relationship with Christ is all about anyway? Many times in scripture God talks about making things new through Him...not by own merits or accomplishments. I'm a hard worker and I was taught that if you want something, you have to do it yourself. But God tells me exactly opposite...He tells me that Grace is something I can't earn, He tells me to rely on him, He tells me to ask.
He's turning something ugly into something beautiful...beautiful only because His name is written on it and His hands have touched it.

"He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." -Revelation 21:5

"Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind." -Isaiah 65:17

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." -Isaiah 43:18

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." -Ezekiel 36:26

My Baby is 6!

2011-08-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

My, how time flies. Six years ago on July 21st, God blessed me with this little bundle of joy.

We had a great time celebrating Jack's birthday. This year instead of having a birthday party, Jackson chose to stay in a hotel downtown that he had been asking about for some time. It has a indoor pool perfect for kids, plus you can see the ballpark from your room. To top all this off, we got the room for free through a friend so we were really blessed and it made it even more special. We started out the evening by eating at Earl's, Jack's choice. Then we made a trip to the cupcake shop. We went back to our room and ate cupcakes and watched a little baseball.

After the game they did a fireworks show. I've never seen fireworks this close, it was incredible. Then we did a little swimming. It was a great birthday for a great boy and I can't think of a greater way to spend it.

Learning New from the Old

2011-07-28T06:52:00.000-07:00

This weekend, my in-laws went out of town. Gary's mother has Alzheimer's and has been living with them for the last six months. Yesterday was my Mother-in-law's birthday and Gary wanted to take her away for a couple days to go fishing and relax. We have had the joy of spending the last two days caring for Mimi. I say joy because in these last twelve hours I've reflected on what's really important in life. I've been watching her: sit in her favorite chair and pick at her nails, and drift into and out of her own little world. Every now and then she comes back to us and carries on a conversation. Even though she repeats the same things over and over, I never grow tired of hearing stories of her childhood. Stories of living on a farm in Calvin, Oklahoma. She is a hard worker and has led quite a life. The wrinkles in her face seem to tell her story. She's a stubborn woman...stubborn in a good way. She's having a hard time letting go of her independence even though she seems to know she's not quite capable of keeping it up anymore. One thing seems to make her happy and that's the boys. Whenever they are around, she smiles and laughs and tells them what good boys they are. She doesn't seem bothered by their orneriness. She'll smile and say, "That's what little boys are supposed to do."

I worked in an Alzheimer's unit at a nursing home in college. I was a Nurses Assistant and the Activities Director. This disease has baffled me for quite some time. It's heart-wrenching to see someone revert back to child-like tendencies, to wander around aimlessly wondering what to do with themselves. Last night, she must've asked us where Gary and Gloria were four times. She seemed to get a glimmer in her eye when she asked, "So, I'm here alone this evening?" I had to explain to her that Jon and I were spending the night here too so she wasn't quite alone. Her face dropped and she closed her eyes. "I can stay by myself. I'll be just fine. So, you now have the burden of babysitting me, do you?"

"No, Mimi...we have the joy of spending time with you. You are NOT a burden." I put my hand on top of hers and her chin started to quiver. "I don't want to be a burden." My heart breaks for her. I'm holding back tears as we discuss how she just wants to go home. She tells me that she wants to go to her house and sit in her spot on her couch and be alone with her things. There's something comforting to us about "home". We learn this early in our lives that it's a place of solace, peace, a place where you feel at ease. I want her to be at ease.

We continue to talk a while and finally around 7:30, she tells me she's headed to bed. This morning she seems refreshed and ready to start over again. I know the same questions will happen today just as they did yesterday.

It made me think how this earth is not our home. Our home is with our Heavenly Father. It makes me long for Heaven. So, today I'm thankful for simple things. I'm thankful for health, for my independence, for a roof over my head. I'm thankful for my children and the innocence and joy that only children can bring. I'm thankful for being able to pick veggies out of the garden this morning and the sun that beats down on my back. I'm thankful for the cool relief from the swimming pool. I'm thankful for my mid-afternoon nap that I'll take. I'm thankful for my dog to keep me company. I'm thankful for good memories I have. I'm thankful for Mimi. I'm thankful for what joy she has brought to our family and lessons that she still teaches me today...whether she realizes it or not. Her worth is invaluable to me.

God is Close to the Brokenhearted

2011-07-21T08:14:00.000-07:00

I heard this song today and I felt like it summed up my journey right now. This year I've endured the biggest heartaches that I have ever walked through in my life. It was an encouragement to me and reminded me that God is close to the brokenhearted. I hope it's an encouragement to you as well.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

Dirty Little Secret

2011-07-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

So, today I did something I've been putting off for a really long time...I vacuumed under all my couch cushions. I was appalled at all the stuff that was in there...embarrassed, actually. Most of my friends know me as a very perfectionistic cleaner, but this would make some of my friends' eyes bug out. Let's just say my kids haven't eaten jelly beans since LAST Easter...LAST, not THIS Easter.

Anyway, here's some of the loot, minus the two year old jelly beans, thousands of crumbs of something, a lollipop stick, cereal, hair, old popcorn, 2 Cheez-Its, and something sticky.

We did hit the jackpot though when we found the lost DVD remote, and Jack's Iron Man action figure that he lost sometime last year.

The old Iron Man and the new Iron Man.

Cole enjoyed his day while lying in his tent made with couch cushions and blankets. He was a real peach today...and by peach, I mean turd.

Who knew cleaning out the couch could be this fun?

Confessions of a Mommy

2011-07-10T13:42:00.000-07:00

I have some confessions I'd like to make. I really need to get some things off my chest that I've been feeling a little guilty about. So...here goes nothin'.

Confession No. 1: When vacuuming, I sometimes purposely suck up Jack's Legos. I know it's terrible but I get so sick and tired of telling him to pick those little pieces up and I also get tired of bending over, so...

Confession No. 2: I ate half of the carton Blue Bunny Pralines and Cream frozen yogurt the other day at nap time. When Jack asked what I did during nap time, I told him I folded laundry.

Confession No. 3: When Cole asks me to "Watch dis Mom," I usually look away right as he's doing it and say, "Yay!" He says, "Did you see dat?" and I say, "Uh-huh...that was awesome!"

Confession No. 4: When I've had a day where I'm about to lose it because someone is yet again pitching a fit about something, I sometimes get down on the same age level as the boys and antagonize them a little bit. For example, Cole starts crying because he doesn't want to take a nap, so I call him a crybaby. And he says, "I not a crybaby." And I'll say, "Yep, crybaby. That's why you still take a nap, because you act like a little baby and cry, crybaby." It's really juvenile and mean, but it usually makes him stop crying and it just makes me feel better...so, there.

Confession No. 5: Sometimes I lock the kids out in the backyard while they're playing and ignore all the, "Hey, moms'!" About 20 minutes later I'll finally go unlock the door and act like I never heard when they called my name 142 times.

Whew! I feel better, now. Thanks for listening to my mommy confessions!

Money, Money, Money, Money...Mun-nay!

2011-06-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

We're on a new debt diet. Jon and I have decided that there are many areas of our life where we need more restrictions and finances is just one of them. We've been discussing the pros and cons of this for a couple of months now, but it's taken us this long to actually do something about it. After much prayer and self-realization, we have realized that we spend entirely to much of our hard-earned cash on frivolous things instead of necessities. Did you know that eating out and HD cable with DVR are NOT necessities? I didn't either. In fact, they feel VERY necessary to me. At the end of a long day with two boys, all I want to do is sit in my "Ma chair" and watch Housewives...of NYC, New 'Joisey', OC...it's a ridiculous addiction and I'm not proud to admit it. And when it's literally a boiling 192 degrees outside...okay, not literally, but it sure feels close, I don't want to cook. Even as much as I do enjoy cooking, I don't like the preparation of making sure I have everything I need from the store, because I never do have everything. I don't like the heating of my kitchen that comes with using the stove top or oven, and I don't enjoy all the cleanup. Sometimes a girl just needs some good Mexican food, ya know?! Jon added up how much we spent on eating out the last month and it was absolutely appalling. And the most sickening part of it was that most of it wasn't even good food...it was quick drive-thru meals on our way to tball practice or soccer games, or out of desperation because there was no way that I could make a meal out of the only three ingredients I had in my fridge that day. It was wasteful spending. We got to looking at what other wasteful spending was going on in our checkbook and it was nauseating. So...thus, the debt diet. Not even debt, really...so, financial restriction diet, I guess I'll call it.
Isn't it interesting how you can look back over the years and see that the more your income increases, so does the spending? I can remember the first year Jon and I were married. We both worked at that time...although I hardly really ever got paid. I made a measly $12,000 that year as an office manager for a dental practice, but it was still a great job. Jon has always been our breadwinner. His first year as a salesman he worked inside and when he became an outside salesman, he began making commission on top of his regular salary. His first commission check was $900 and we both had to pick up our jaws off the floor when we opened that...we thought we were rich...what young, in-love idiots we were! Now a $900 commission check would leave us starving. But instead of staying within the realms of how we lived that first year of marriage, we upgraded on many things...things that we never really needed. Things that really have since then not been so beneficial...such as 700 cable channels. Who in the world needs 700 cable channels? So, as we sat and watched our 700 cable channels, and ate our dinners out, and accustomed our way of thinking to the "we need more" mentality...our butts got bigger, we spent less time talking and reading and enjoying nights sitting out by the fire pit, and taking our dog for walks. So...we're going back to the necessities. We're focusing on the cheaper side of life, and the more beneficial. I'll let you know how it goes. Oh...could one of you please DVR Housewives for me? I might go through withdrawals if I quit everything all at once, you know? I mean...safety first.

Summer Days

2011-06-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

We've been doing a lot of swimming this summer. My in-laws have a pool, so the boys go there pretty often. My best friends parents live close-by so for a change of scenery, we spent the day at their pool.

I promise my kids aren't wearing speedos-they swam in undies that day. We love summer days!

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

2011-06-24T08:12:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, our church went to a Redhawks game together for a fun night out. This was the first game we had been to this year. The boys had a great time. We stuffed ourselves full of peanuts, cotton candy, and a $5 bottle of water...I felt violated after that. They bank on moms like me forgetting to pack my own water bottles in 104 degree heat. We followed all that up with an after-game trip to Marble Slab for some ice cream.

Sweet Colie enjoying his peanuts.

Whack! That is perfect form right there!

Look at that pitch!

Cole and his buddy Cross.

Sweet T enjoying her dippin' dots.

Jack and his peanut fingers.

Check out Jack and Tatum-I think he might be a little sweet on her.

The night ended with a fireworks show!

It's 1, 2, 3 strikes you're out...at the ol', ball game!

Things I've Learned from my Father

2011-06-19T21:14:00.000-07:00

This year has been a rocky year for me and my relationship with my parents. I'm not enjoying this season of my life in terms of trials I'm enduring, but I'm still trying to figure out what God is trying to tell me and how he's trying to better me and make me more like him. This year has made me long for heaven. I long to climb into my Heavenly Father's lap. I long to have some answers, some closure, some peace. I long for healing from sickness and heartache and pain. I have a really good dad, but I know my Heavenly Father loves me much more than my dad ever could. I was thinking today about my dad and all that he's taught me. Some examples are:

1. Pain is so much easier to deal with using humor.
2. Be able to admit when you're wrong and say, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."
3. Don't be afraid of failure. The worst thing that can happen is that you fail: it's inevitable and you'll be in good company, so it's not so bad.
4. It's okay to make mistakes, just don't repeat them.
5. When you say "I do", be sure you mean it and stick to it, no matter what.
6. Be teachable.
7. Don't speak when you're angry...it only leads to disaster. Take time to cool down and compose yourself.
8. Nothing good happens after midnight.
9. Work hard because nobody OWES you anything.
10. Someone who talks a lot usually has nothing to say that's worth listening to.
11. Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone.
12. Being goofy may make you look like an idiot, but it sure is fun.
13. Spanking or disciplining your kids really DOES hurt you more than them.
14. It's much easier to learn lesson's of what not to do by watching someone else rather than making your OWN mistakes.
15. You really can't understand until you're a parent.
16. If you can't pay for it with cash than you really don't need it.
17. Time flies.
18. I love you more you could ever know.

I got to looking at this list and noticed how all these things that my dad has taught me...God has taught me the same things. Thank you God for giving me a daddy here on earth who gives me a glimpse of just what kind of daddy you are.

John 5:20
The Father loves the Son and has shown him everything he does. The Father will show him even greater things, and you will be amazed.
Luke 15:20
So he got up and went to his father. “While the son was still a long way off, his father saw him. He was filled with tender love for his son. He ran to him. He threw his arms around him and kissed him.
Proverbs 3:12
For whom the Lord loves He corrects, even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.

S-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g

2011-06-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

Many times in life, growth is painful. Other times it might be something anticipated, sought after, exciting, longed for. When I was a little girl, I remember thinking, "I can't wait til I'm a grown-up." At 12 years old, I longed to be 16. At 16, I couldn't wait til I was 18. When I was first pregnant with Jackson, I couldn't wait til my belly would get big enough to wear maternity clothes for the first time. Then...at some point, we start dragging our feet on the growth process. You get to the point that you long for the days when you were a child and things were carefree. You quit looking forward to your age increasing. In the ninth month of pregnancy, you are so 'over' the big belly. Growing means stretching, and stretching hurts.
I'm in a stretching phase right now. Even though I know the pay-off will be worth it, it's hard to see that at this point. All I feel is the pain and all I see are the ugly marks that are being left behind. I'm being stretched in a way that I don't know that I'm capable of succeeding. I'm being challenged in a relationship that I wish were different, but I also have to accept it for what it is. How many times do you forgive someone who has hurt you so deeply? The saying goes, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Who wrote this anyway? In my opinion words hurt a lot worse than breaking bones ever could. Bones heal fairly quickly, but the pain of words can leave someone broken for a lifetime.
...I'm broken.

I'm broken and I'm trying to learn from these experiences by not repeating this behavior. I'm trying to change my way of thinking into what I know God says is true. I'm wanting to use my story to help others who may also being going through this...but, I'm not there, yet. Among the great questions of life that we ask ourselves, my favorite has usually been, why? Why do these things happen? Why did this happen to me? Why didn't God rescue me from this? Why can't it be this way? I've spent many years of my life asking why. I've asked it so many times, but honestly, I haven't been given any real answers. Oh, I've gotten the typical 'Sunday School' answers. The answers that people usually give when they don't know what else to say, or they say them because they know that's what they should say, but they just don't really know why. I've decided that if I can't get answers to the question why...then I'll start asking, Why not? Why not me? People all over the world, in every neighborhood, in every country, of every faith, ethnicity, every socio-economic status, good people, bad people, lucky people, not so lucky people, celebrities, and average joes...everyone goes through some pretty hard times in life. So, why not me? Why would I think I'm so much better that I should avoid heartache?
The answer is that, I'm not. I'm not any better. I'm no different than anyone else in the world.
I'm stretching to overcome this obstacle in my life. I'm stretching to forgive the unforgiveable. I'm stretching to not have secrets. I'm stretching to love the unlovable. I'm stretching to gain what perspective I can. I'm stretching to be different. I'm stretching to not be ashamed. I'm stretching to make myself feel the pain while I'm in it. I'm stretching to be teachable. I'm stretching to be strong and flexible.

John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Summer Has Begun....

2011-05-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

Well, school is out and summer break has begun and I'm already beginning to see that on Monday morning at 9am, the first day of our vacation, I'm going to have three months of this to look forward to...

Lord, help me. Happy Summer!

Lainie

2011-05-20T05:41:00.000-07:00

Our precious friend at church, Elaine...aka "Lainie" to my boys, made us something after our miscarriage and I wanted to share about it. Lainie makes baby quilts as a gift for all the new babies at our church. It's a tradition that all the new moms have come to expect and look forward to with anticipation. Each quilt is always signed by Lainie and sewn with love. After our miscarriage, Elaine made me this. She had members of our church family sign it so that I could see it as a reminder that people were praying for us and loved us.

Elaine is a woman who has endured much heartache in her life, yet any time you see her, she gives you a hug and a smile, and when you ask her how she is...her answer is, "I'm blessed." Every time...that's her answer. She has a wisdom and grace about her that draws you in and it's impossible to not feel at home when you're with her. When she prays out loud, it makes me cry. Her voice is comforting and sincere and intentional. She is a prayer warrior and biblical giant and she has a heart for the Lord like no one I've ever known. She loves purple, which is fitting since it's the color of royalty. She is strong and healthy and up until a couple of years ago when the kids would run up to her, she would pick them up! We've adopted Lainie as our grandmother. When I think of her, I think of how, "I'm blessed" to have her as a part of my life. We love you Lainie.

"Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband also praises her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but you excel them all. Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised." Proverbs 31:28-30

My Husband

2011-05-20T04:44:00.000-07:00

Forgive me for this post being out of order. I'd saved it as a draft to finish later and I'm just now completing it, so it might mess things up a little.

I was thinking the other day about how I never really blog about Jon. I've been meaning to do this and every time he says something that makes me laugh it reminds me that I need to. A few years back, my best friend Megan started noticing things Jon said that were funny, but really only made sense to him. She began to call them "Jon-isms." Since then, the name has stuck. I'll give you a few examples. Some of my favorites are:
1) You can wish in one hand and poop in the other and see which fills up the fastest.
2) I'm happier than a two-peckered puppy
3) You can "what-if" all day long. What if a frog had shorter legs...he probably wouldn't bump his butt when he jumped.
4) That dog just won't hunt.
5) They screwed the pooch on that one.
6) I think I have a hollow leg.
7) He wouldn't know 'come here' from 'sick 'em'.
8) You can't make heads or tails of it.
9) I bet he's pleased as a mud duck.

See what I mean? They only make sense to him.

Jon is like a really old man trapped in a young man's body. He's the kind of guy who would totally wear coveralls in public if I would let him get away with it. He seems to have a certain way of looking at things that could only come from, one: spending part of his childhood in the country and enjoying the great outdoors, two: hard work, and three: being a laid-back, go with the flow, kinda guy.
He's a reserved personality...which, I...am NOT, so, I guess we balance each other out. He's most comfortable in an old college baseball t-shirt, covered with a flannel, and worn-out jeans. He'd rather go fishing or hunting any day instead of watching sports. He's a loyal, life-long friend. He has a servant heart for anyone in need and has a hard time saying "no." He's handy around the house and with cars, and knows how to fix just about anything with duct-tape. If he doesn't know how to do something, he knows someone that does. He can't resist a puppy. He has a strangely large knowledge of musical show tunes, which scares me a little, but I choose to believe it comes from his mom being a former music teacher. He sings oldies in the shower...which he also he a weird knowledge of. Sometimes he feels the need to perform a few renditions for us, so the kids and I sit and watch and laugh at the "Jon Show." He "rat-holes" money away and has the self-control to do this for years before he spends it. He sneezes so loud that it makes me mad. He's obsessed with his yard and is always on the hunt for the best weed-killer. He has a tender-heart and can cry easily over sad things or children. He's very sentimental. He's a semi-hoarder. He does not care if the house is messy or if I don't wear make-up...these things are not important to him. He loves road trips...they make ME carsick. He can quote any movie he's watched in the last 30 years, but can't remember what I asked him to do five minutes ago. He likes to listen to old Southern Gospel on Sunday mornings. He drinks his coffee black and prefers not to eat breakfast. The bathroom is where he goes to take a break from me and the kids. He needs 8-10 hours of sleep nightly and I do quite well on 6...but, he did teach me to love naps. Autumn is his favorite season and he gets a spring in his step when the weather is an average 50 degrees. He has a laugh he makes only when he's feeling ornery and it make me smile every time. He says, "Oh my goodness", and I think it's the cutest thing. He keeps his commitments and promises and honors that he gave someone his word. His dream would be to work his own cattle ranch someday. He loves to watch Food-Network and decide on new things to cook. He is a good dancer...especially when he does his "Beyonce booty-shake."
I met Jon my eighth grade year. Well...at least this is MY first recollection. He says we were introduced our seventh grade year and he remembers distinctly because he walked away and thought "I'm gonna marry that girl". We shared our ninth grade Oklahoma History class together and became friends...just friends. We chatted on the phone many nights, but lost touch after the summer began. We met up again our senior year of high school when we had mutual friends. That reunion wasn't quite as fond a memory for me being that he offended me and I decided he was a jerk. We were at a football game and this smarty thought it would be funny to try out his latest joke and he told me I had a 'butter-face." Bewildered, I said, "What the heck is a butter-face." Jon got a smirk on his face and replied, "It's when everything looks good...BUT HER FACE." Charming, huh? Come to think of it...I think I'm mad all over again just telling this story. I'll let it slide though since I know that's not true...and since I knew he was in love with me and just being the little boy on the playground who pulls the little girls' ponytail to get her attention...but, that's another story for another time.

Eventually, I gave him the time of day and he won me over. Really, I just got tired of hearing him beg, but pretty quickly I began to fall in love with this man who I met when he was just a boy and I saw that he wasn't like others I'd dated. He didn't talk much, but when he did he said things that really were worth listening to. He knew who he was and didn't try to be something he wasn't. He stood up for his convictions and morals when everyone else seemed to be falling. He loved me for me. He was and still is my best friend. And, when I look back and think about that red-headed, skinny baseball player who sat behind me in Oklahoma History and made me laugh with the 'scrunched nose ugly-face' laugh...I smile. Because now...his hair is starting to turn gray...he's not so skinny anymore...he never became a pro ball player...ninth grade seems like a million years ago...BUT...he still makes me laugh. He makes me laugh really hard...and I still get the ugly face. He still loves me, just for me, and...he's still my best friend. I'm a very blessed woman to be Mrs. Jon Elliott.

This Mother's Day

2011-05-07T21:01:00.000-07:00

This Mother's Day has got me feeling a little emotional. I miss my baby. I've been thinking that this month I should be finding out the sex of that little one. I should have a little belly showing. I should be making plans of how to decorate the nursery. I'm lonesome for that baby...that I never knew, never felt kick, never swaddled. But, God reminds me that I have so much to be thankful for this Mother's Day. I've got these guys.

I'm grateful for two healthy, happy children. I'm grateful for little boys who tell me that I'm pretty and that I smell good. I'm grateful that Cole always is the first to notice when I paint my toenails. I'm grateful that Jack likes to draw pictures of the girl superheroes just for me and hang them on my refrigerator. I'm grateful for the flowers (aka weeds) they pick for me every time they go outside. I'm thankful for the dead bugs, plastic army guys, and rocks that I find in their pockets when I'm doing the laundry. I'm thankful for the one-on-one snuggle time they each give me early in the morning. I like to smell their hair, the crease of their necks, and their morning breath.
I love to go in and check on them while they're sleeping. I pull the books and cars and superhero toys out of the tangled mess of blankets. They might stir and stretch just the same way they did as newborns in their bassinet. I tuck them in one last time and make sure they have their animals and blankets. And I stare...just for a minute. I watch them breathe...in and out...in and out. I brush their hair back, and with my finger I draw an imaginary line down their nose and trace their lips and kiss their mouth, and slowly close the door...and wish they would stop growing. Thank you Lord for what you've given...and taken away.

Roasted Chicken with Lemon Potatoes

2011-03-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

This recipe may be a little bit time consuming, but if you follow it step-by-step, it is very easy and makes the perfect 'Sunday Family Dinner' and is great for company.

Ingredients:
1 whole chicken*
1 medium bunch fresh basil leaves, thinly sliced
5 T softened (not melted) unsalted butter
2 lemons, zested (1 reserved)
5 garlic cloves, pressed or very thinly sliced
2 scallions, very thinly sliced
coarse sea salt and ground pepper
1 3/4 lbs medium fingerling potatoes*
2 T extra-virgin olive oil
1/2 bunch fresh Italian flat-leaf parsley

1) Preheat oven to 450 with rack set in middle. Remove any excess fat around chicken cavities and discard. Rinse chicken and pat dry, inside and out. Make sure to remove liver and gizzards if it's packaged inside (some are and some not).
2) In a small bowl, combine basil, butter, lemon zest, garlic, and scallions.
3) Starting at chicken's neck, slide hands under skin, carefully loosening skin on breasts and thighs. Spread butter mixture between loosened skin and meat; be careful not to tear skin. Rub hands over skin to spread mixture into crevices.
4) Season chicken inside and out with salt and pepper. In a large bowl, toss potatoes with olive oil, 1/2 t salt, and enough pepper to coat well. Cut reserved lemon into quarters and set aside.
5) Heat roasting pan in oven for 10 minutes. Remove; then put potatoes and any oil left in bowl into pan, keeping potatoes pushed to edges to make room for chicken. Place chicken in pan, breast-side up.
6) Roast chicken for 20 minutes, then remove pan from oven and turn bird breast-side down. Continue to roast for 20 more minutes, then removed from oven and turn bird breast-side up again. Sprinkle parsley over potatoes, then stir to coat with pan drippings. Squeeze reserved lemon over chicken and put rinds into pan. Continue to roast until juices run clear when thigh is pierced with a fork, or an instant-read thermometer inserted in breast reached 160...20-30 minutes.
7) Remove pan from oven; let chicken rest for 15 minutes before transferring to a cutting board. Let rest for 5 more minutes, then carve. Spoon pan juices over chicken; serve with potatoes and roasted lemon.

*I like to buy my chicken from Homeland-they have a whole chicken in a brand called Smart Chicken. It's a little pricier than a whole chicken from Walmart, but it's nice because it's not packaged in slimy water and they trim off most fat.
*Fingerling potatoes I also buy at Homeland. They come in a package in the produce section and I use the whole package.

Baked French Toast

2011-03-25T19:53:00.000-07:00

I got this recipe from Metro Family Magazine last December. I made it for Christmas morning and our lives haven't been the same since. Try it and I promise your family will love it. If they don't...find a new family.

Ingredients:
1/2 loaf of day old french bread
6 large eggs
1 1/2 c milk
1 c heavy cream
1 t vanilla
1/4 t ground cinnamon
1/4 t ground nutmeg
1/2 c packed brown sugar
1/2 c softened (not melted) butter
1 T light corn syrup
1/2 c chopped pecans (optional)

The night before: cut bread into 1" thick slices and place in a buttered 9x13 baking pan. Don't use soft bread, the crustier, the better. Arrange slices in a single layer, over lapping as needed. In a mixing bowl, combine eggs, milk, cream, vanilla, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Pour the mixture over the bread, cover and refrigerate overnight.
In the morning: turn all bread slices over to make sure the egg mixture is thoroughly soaked into bread. Preheat oven to 350. Combine butter, brown sugar, nuts (optional), and syrup, then spread over tops of bread slices. Bake 40 minutes and serve warm. Top with a sprinkling of powered sugar, fresh berries and whipped cream.
Go ahead...slap yo' momma!

Monday

2011-03-08T18:51:00.000-08:00

Monday we went to the doctor for our first ultrasound. As I looked at the picture of this tiny baby, perfectly healthy looking, there was no movement...no heartbeat. At almost 11 weeks, the doctor said the baby only survived til 9 weeks before it slipped away. Call it mother's intuition or just plain worry, but from the beginning of this pregnancy I've been very anxious. I blamed it on not feeling the same as I felt with the boys or the fact that this baby was a surprise, but in a way, I knew something wasn't right. Although I know I didn't do anything to cause this, I've been struggling with guilt and racking my brain with what could have gone wrong. Why do these things happen? Why does God give us a blessing only to take it away a couple months later?
The doctor scheduled surgery for Monday evening since I hadn't miscarried the baby on my own yet. In a strange way, I didn't want to go through with it. I just felt like the baby was safe inside me where it needed to be and I wanted to keep him there as long as I could. I think waiting for it to happen on it's own was just postponing the inevitable and would probably be harder emotionally, so we opted for the surgery. As I woke up from anesthesia, I looked at Jon and very groggily said, "My baby is gone, isn't it?" With his eyes filled with tears, he could only whisper, "Yes."
I'm in mourning right now and I imagine that I will be for some time. I can tell that I am moving through the grieving process because I've passed unbelief to sadness and now the sadness is beginning to turn into anger. I'm angry with God. I'm angry with God for giving me this baby as a surprise if he knew what the outcome would be. I could've done without the whole thing. I'm angry that I had to tell my kids that our baby won't be coming home. I'm angry that my plans for the next six months have completely changed. I'm angry that my body failed me and my child. I'm angry that I did 11 weeks worth of "work" for nothing.
Through all this anger, I still see how God has protected me and blessed me. We surprised Jackson Monday morning by telling him he could go to the ultrasound with us and miss the first hour of school. For some strange reason, he said he didn't want to miss playtime and he'd rather go to the ultrasound when we were going to find out the sex of the baby. For anyone who knows Jack and how excited he has been about this baby, you know that is totally out of character. All I can say is that it was God protecting his little heart and his innocence. I'm thankful that in all my years of being a mother, that this is the first time this has happened. I have a new sense of compassion for women who have endured miscarriages over and over in hopes of just getting ONE baby. I'm thankful that I will be able to get pregnant again. I'm blessed to be in good company of many friends who have walked this path before and understand how lonely it feels. I'm thankful for so many friends and family who have shown their love for my family though meals, cards, flowers, caring for my children and praying for us. I'm grateful for my husband who has everyday sat down and listened to me talk about the same thing over and over because he knows it's crucial to me healing.
As with any tragedy, the world doesn't stop. All around is evidence that life goes on. I still have two children who need me and want my attention. The laundry needs to be done. I can button my pants again. Babies are conceived and babies are born. Bills have to be paid. We're out of milk, and...God is still on the throne...still in control...still faithful.

My Cups Runneth Over

2011-03-02T17:38:00.000-08:00

One way you know you're pregnant...it's time to go bra shopping because these girls are out of control. That, and the fact that I ate so many pickles today that I almost made myself sick. That's all I'm going to say about that.

How Did This Happen?!

2011-02-05T20:46:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I got a little surprise...we're pregnant! I've blogged before about how badly Jackson and I have wanted a baby. I've been silently praying since March and starting in May Jackson began to pray for a baby sister. I think his praying was prompted through two of our dear friends having baby girls in April and this sparked his desire. I am amazed by Jack and his faith. He inspires me. The praying felt like a lifetime of waiting. Waiting because I wanted to make sure that this is what God wanted for us and also wanting for Jon to come around to the idea of starting over again with a newborn. I think secretly infants scare my husband. He really likes babies more when they're a little less fragile...around 9-12 months, he really falls in love. He loves when they sleep through the night, babble, aren't nursing 24/7, and can rough-house. Also, Jon was completely content with two boys. He said, "Two is a good round number. There's one for each of us...we aren't outnumbered, and boys are really safe. Girls scare me." Jon comments on how cute baby girls are, so I know secretly he would love to find out what that is like. But mainly, I don't think my husband feels like our family is incomplete like I do. He's a simple man, happy-go-lucky, and not a lot bothers him, so I think it's his tendency to just be content. Me, on the other hand...not so much. I'm hoping that I will get this family eventually because let's face it, children are a lot of work. I can't just keep having babies forever.
So, long story short, seven months of praying daily and usually whenever it came into my mind, and oh boy...does God ever answer prayer. Jon and I decided we would start trying in a couple months, but I'm pretty confident that later that day I became pregnant. It baffles me because my standard #37 precautionary measure has never let me down in nearly 8 years and all of a sudden, we're pregnant.
This brings my mind to wonder...Why am I surprised when God gives me the desires of my heart? Why do I doubt that He wants to give me what I long for? Why do I think that He doesn't hear my prayers?
It's taken me a couple days to process this. My other pregnancies were totally planned and thought out and happened exactly when I wanted them to happen. This was out of my control even though I prayed for this to happen. I'm humbled when I remember that God is the giver of life...not Stephanie.

We told Jack about the news the other day. Jon explained to him that God wants him to know that He loves him very much. He told Jack that God hears his prayers and that even though He doesn't always answer them like we hope...this time He did. Jackson was beyond thrilled. He just kept saying, "Oh...my...gosh", over and over. He said, "I've been dreaming of this day my whole, entire life and God made it true!"...I don't know where he gets his dramatic nature (wink, wink). Colie keeps saying, "Tank you, Tank you mommy for my baby. Is my baby done, yet?" Maybe I spilled the beans to him a little too soon. It's going to be a long eight months to hear that 10 times a day.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward." Psalm 127:3

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine, according to His power that is a work within us." Ephesians 3:20

For His Glory

2011-01-08T20:54:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a while because...1) I'm lazy and 2)I've been dealing with God on some things that I needed some long evaluation and thought.
I've known Him almost my entire life...more than 20 years now. By now you would think I'd had Him figured out. Everyday, He tells me how much He loves me and everyday I'm baffled by this. Everyday, He reveals a bigger piece of Himself and I grow to know Him a little deeper. His pursuit of me draws me near and makes me want to run at the same time. The more I find of Him, the more I lose myself.
I've felt God calling me to do something over the last year...something I've had no interest in doing. I've kicked, and screamed and fought for six months to show Him it's really not what He wants me to do...but softly, he reminds me of what He did for me. I've been bought with a price, the price of my savior's blood.
I was born in 1982 to two 17 year old kids. Two kids who came from broken homes...in some way or another. Two kids who weren't planning on becoming parents. Two kids who didn't know what it meant to be a parent, because in essence, they didn't know what a parent was. Along with my parents, I've endured lots of heartache...poverty, addiction, abuse, mental illness, rejection, and neglect. Life's circumstances and my own choices, have set me up for failure. My life has written the perfect recipe for repeating history and leaving me a bitter, lost, addicted, sad, broken, destitute soul...a soul that buys all the world has to offer to substitute the emptiness I feel; a soul that longs to be known, to be loved, to be valued, respected, and cherished. I was born with the feeling that I was a mistake. No amount of compliments, accolades, or "atta-boys" has changed this. Despite what I was told...what I felt or thought was tattooed on my heart and it felt like listening to a foreign language to hear otherwise...it was meaningless.
One day in 1987, I heard a voice. This voice was a voice that I'd never heard before, but at the same time, it felt familiar. He called me by name. He knew me. He told me he loved me...he wanted me...I belonged to Him. At five years old, he began to whisper these things in my ear. When I was alone in my room, I heard Him and He was beside me. He didn't talk a lot, but when He did...I heard Him. In 1992, He was there again. He comforted me I was scared of what I saw. He told me it would be okay. In the same year, however, I also was taught that you can't trust people. You can't let them see who you really are because they will reject you when they know the truth. This lie haunted me for the next 15 years; that when shown transparency, people run. This threw me into the bondage of perfection. By accident, I adopted the idea that if everything looks great on the outside, it won't be so painful on the inside. This sufficed for a few years, until the first year I was married. It becomes harder to hide who you are when you live with your spouse. If it's a good marriage, thankfully, it becomes "soul-bearing". You are forced to let the other person see who you really are...no make-up, morning breath, sick with a stomach virus...ALL of it. I started to see what love really is. Let's just say, it's not what you see in the movies; the truth is that sometimes...it ain't pretty! The first year of marriage was hard for me, but not for the same reason as many couples...it was hard for ME, because it meant transparency. This began my "plastic surgery", if you will...of the soul.
In high school, I wasn't interested in Jon because he was "safe". He was boring, he was predictable, and he was safe...not exactly what a 17 year old dreams of. But, what I learned from "safe" over the years, doesn't always mean that there's no risk...it just means that the risk won't cost everything. And...it didn't. The risk didn't cost everything...it cost what I was willing to give, and what I was willing to lose. I lost the need to be something that I thought I should be.
Fast forward to the birth of my first child. There was a lot of anxiety leading up to Jackson's birth. I wondered if I'd make a good mother. I wondered if I'd repeat what I'd known as a child. I wondered if he would love me. The ironic thing is that when you become a parent, you get a microscopic glimpse of how God must feel about us. Your love is immediate and your love is unconditional.
Through trials, you grow. Parenthood has been somewhat of a trial for me because it has challenged me. It has shown me my weaknesses and it has forced me to grow through my failures. It's given me a motivation when I wanted to quit. It's shown me consistence.
I'm a work in progress. In no way do I have things all figured out...it's a life-long progress. I'm on a journey. But, what God is teaching me right now is that this journey is one that he's writing.
For years, I've dreamed of having a "perfect story"...you know, always being a "good girl", one big happy family, no major bumps in the road and life resembles the "Father of the Bride" neighborhood. But, the fact is, we live in a fallen world. Life is not a fairy tale. If it were, I probably wouldn't be as dependent on Him. My accomplishments would be on my own merits. I've been running from my past...and my past is not my legacy.
I'm learning that my story, was meant to bring Him glory.

Camping

2010-11-09T21:30:00.000-08:00

I've been preparing myself for about five years now, that eventually I would have to go camping with my boys. As a mother, I know little guys (and big guys, too) desperately want and need this experience. Their sense of adventure naturally includes sleeping under the stars and cooking over a campfire. My sense of adventure however is better described as going to a movie spontaneously late at night. I'm wild and daring, I know.
I postponed this experience as long as possible, but recently my in-laws purchased an airstream trailer and the begging from all three of my guys, ensued. I finally gave in and prepared myself as best I could to make the most of this experience to make a memory with my kids.
We left Friday afternoon, a little too late. We arrived at Roman Nose in time to set up our campsite and start dinner. My first trial began when I discovered that the only pot in the trailer wasn't even big enough to hold the can of beans for my homemade chili. I had asked Jon to make sure the camper had a pot to cook our chili...he didn't. Luckily, Jon had packed his cast iron skillet and we cooked our chili in this. It worked just fine. We did not however pack bowls to eat our chili in, so we used red Solo cups. Again...it was fine, just annoying to me.
We sat by the campfire, ate our hot dogs and chili and then roasted marshmallows and made smores. That was really enjoyable. I had a lot of laughs with my kids and Jon. I must say that I love these guys, but what is better is that I truly "like" them. I enjoy their company. These guys are my best friends. There's no one I'd rather spend my time with.

We put the fire out and went in for a good night's sleep, right? Uh...no. An airstream fold out bed may be better than sleeping in a sleeping bag on the ground, but not much. Cole woke at 5:30 saying his tummy hurt and he proceeded to to have diarrhea in the camper bathroom. Let's just say that sound as well as odor travels quickly through all 50 square feet. Thankfully he went back to sleep after his business. We all woke up and made a good country breakfast, again making due with what kitchen supplies I had. Pretty quickly after breakfast Jon and I made eye contact with a look that seemed to say, "I'm ready to go if you are." Sadly, looking back, I feel like all we did was eat, but everyone seemed happy enough, so who cares, right? As Jon was loading the trailer up, the boys and I did a little exploring and found an awesome treasure there by the water. We found an empty tortoise shell. Now I have a little souvenir to remember the trip by.
The best part of the trip was as we were leaving, Cole says to me, "Mommy, can we go to Starbucks now?" I guess I'm not the only one who loves the conveniences of modern technology. Thank God for a stationary roof over our heads, indoor plumbing, a comfortable bed, and Starbucks.

I'm His Girl

2010-11-03T22:37:00.000-07:00

Lately Cole has been very vocal in telling me his feelings. A few of his go-to phrases are, "I beary mad.", "Yar mean!", and my personal favorite, "I ignorin jew." But the other day, sweetness graced the lips of this baby and he told me, "Mom, jew my gurl." I looked at him and asked, "I'm your girl?" to make sure I heard him correctly, and he says, "Esss, jew my best gurl."
Cole, you will never know what that does to me when you call me your girl. It makes me weak in the knees and want to burst into tears and spontaneous laughter at the same time. I'm crazy about you.

Holy Halloween, Batman!

2010-11-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

We've been making the boys hit the gym. That's right, we got tired of having wussy babies!

Happy Halloween from Batman and Robin!

The Verdict Is...

2010-10-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

...fractured tailbone. Went to the doctor today and took xrays and she said tailbone is definitely fractured. So, I guess that picture Jon took proved to be not so funny after all. Let me refresh your memory.

I think I might keep bringing that up for the rest of our marriage. You know...the part about how he laughed and took pictures as I winced and moaned in excruciating pain. Yeah...I'm seeing a little compensation in my future.

First Day of School

2010-10-20T23:19:00.000-07:00

I'm really behind on a lot of things that I wanted to blog about, but this is important and better late than never, right?
This year was the first year that my boys were in school together. It's not quite school, but Mother's Day Out. Last year Cole would just cry when we would take Jack to school. He wanted so badly to go along and play with all the toys. Well, this year, he got his wish. And mommy got hers...silence.

My Mother's Child

2010-10-20T21:26:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been realizing how much like my mom, I am. In the first real challenges of marriage and motherhood it started to show vaguely. As typical for a woman entering into my own "life", I've told myself over and over how I would never be like her. I would never do things like she did. Although she and I are very different people and very different parents, my mom has taught me a lot of really good things. Some of them she didn't even really "teach" me, more like I inherited them or I was just born with them being ingrained in me. Many of them didn't develop until later in life. Too many times I think I've dwelled on what my mother has done that was wrong...areas she failed me. In a lot of ways, that could be so. But also, in a lot of ways, she has taught me a lot of things. I really began to notice this while Jon and I went on a trip to New England last week. The older I get, the more in love with nature, I become. As a teenager, my parents took me camping...once. Once because frankly, my dad hates camping. Another because it was a miserable trip. We woke up lying in three inches of rain water and we all crammed into the car to sleep the last few hours til it was light enough to drive home. At that point in my life, I hated the outdoors. The bugs, the heat, the simplicity. I did not appreciate the beauty or peacefulness.
We landed in Boston late Wednesday afternoon. We hadn't eaten since that morning, so we headed out to an early dinner. We stopped at this little Italian restaurant called Bocelli's. The waitress came over to our table and asked us, in her strong Boston accent, what we would like to drink. Out of complete shock, I started to giggle. She looked at me bewildered and seemed to ask what I was laughing at. I couldn't help it! I've only heard people talk like that in the movies...but these people really exist! Like my mother, I tend to laugh when it's really inappropriate. For almost the entire rest of the trip, Jon and I only talked in our best "Jersey Shore" accents!

We drove up the coast to make our way to Maine and New Hampshire. Our first stop was the beach. It was completely amazing. The only beach I've seen was when Jon and I went to Cancun for our honeymoon and then to Playa del Carmen a couple years later. I've never seen the beaches here. I was like a kid in a candy store. I squealed like a little girl...I dug through the sand searching for "treasures" of dead crabs, shells, and beach stones. I took off my heels and put my feet in the freezing water. I loved every minute of it. Much to my misfortune, in my slick, wet feet, I fell while climbing the huge rocks along the shoreline. I don't mean fell...that would've been fine. I busted it so hard, I cried out a long, horrific moan from the pain. I laid there thinking, "Jon is going to have to take me to the hospital...here in Maine...on our vacation. We haven't had a vacation in so long! Steph...suck it up."

Jon took a picture and laughed as I hobbled in agony the rest of the week. I'm still really hurting six days later. I think I might have to make a doctor appointment to make sure I didn't crack my tailbone.
Jon sifted through my treasures and made me wean a lot out because he said the dead crab would start to stink, and the shell wouldn't hold up through the plane ride...but I snuck one in my pocket that I didn't want him taking. Later in the week, Jon found a tiny mussel, I had stashed away in there from the beach. He just looked at me and shook his head and smiled. "You fell because you were trying to pry that little sucker off the rock, weren't you!"
I gave a sheepish look. He totally figured me out. "But, I got it! It may have been a Robyn Clifton kind of thing to do, but I wanted that mussel and I was gonna get the dang thing!" Jon says, "Well...I didn't say it, you did." He just shakes his head and laughs. Bruised and limping, I realized...my mom totally would've done something like that.

Looking at all the foliage, I was amazed. Amazed that trees do not look like that here in Oklahoma and amazed at how much God must love us to create this for us. It makes me feel really small. I am in awe of nature...just like my mother.

Later, we are driving through the White Mountains in Maine. It seems like I'm asking Jon to pull over every quarter mile so I can take a picture. It was just so beautiful, I couldn't take it all in. Meanwhile, I'm picking up acorns, leaves, rocks, birch with moss on it, and berries and trying to shove them into the car without anyone seeing. It's frowned upon in a national forest, you know.
I look at these things and wonder how people can think we aren't here because of a creator. Like my mother, I see beauty in simplistic detail.

We had heard about this restaurant in Vermont called Simon Pearce, from Food Network. Simon Pearce is a five-star upscale restaurant and glass-blowing factory. It is very "green" also and makes enough hydroelectric energy to power the entire restaurant and factory. They also only use organic, quality produce and meats from local farmers. It was fabulous...and very expensive. As Jon is looking at the check with his eyeballs hanging out, I say, "It's just money." Like my mother, I like to splurge sometimes and not think about the cost.

A couple days after we got home, the boys are playing in the backyard in the dirt and Jon is lecturing them about once again being filthy. I just looked at him and said, "They're boys...let them get dirty." Sometimes cleanliness is overrated. Just like my mom, I think that fun needs to include making a mess. And... just like my father...Jon is griping about the kids trampling his newly planted grass seed!
I guess some things just go together.

Jackson: My Spiritual Giant

2010-10-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

My oldest has really been amazing me lately. I feel like God is really working in his little heart to show him things that Jackson is capable of understanding at such a young age. Jack desperately wants a baby...a little sister. And while I would love to give him this, there's still some reservations about the timing. Plus, Jon and I are just not on the same page at this point in the game. We have been praying about this daily...but God has not given us a clear answer which leads me to believe the answer is..."Wait." I hate that answer. Of all answers from God, "Wait" is always the hardest. I'd almost rather hear "No," than "Wait."
Jackson prays for this every night and about every day he asks why God hasn't answered his prayer, yet. That's really a hard answer to give a child, especially because I feel guilty that if he knew we were totally CAPABLE of giving him this, he would probably be really disappointed that we hadn't. But, I keep reminding him that God is the giver of life and God is in control. While I'm telling him this, I'm telling myself the same thing.
Tonight, Jack's prayer went like this, "God, thank you for letting me go to church tonight and worship you and thank you for all the boys and girls that came to Awanas. Thank you for all your creation...and please CREATE a baby in my mom's tummy. I'm waiting. Amen." Yikes! This kid means business.
I'm just praying that God answers Jack's prayer too. Not just ours, but that He gives Jackson an answer that he can understand. Whether that means a baby or a lack of desire for a baby.

"Now may the God who gives comfort and strength in waiting make you of the same mind with one another in harmony with Christ Jesus…" Romans 15:5

"I am waiting for the Lord, my soul is waiting for Him, and my hope is in His Word." Psalms 130:5

"Jehovah is pleased with those fearing Him, with those waiting for His kindness." Psalms 147:11

"When I was waiting quietly for the Lord, His heart was turned to me, and He gave ear to my cry." Psalms 40:1

"And those who have knowledge of Your Name will put their faith in You; because you, Lord, have ever given Your help to those who were waiting for you." Psalms 9:10

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."

Lamentations 3:25 "The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him."

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

The Clydesdale Barn

2010-09-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

If you live anywhere remotely close, you should definitely go visit the Clydesdales. It is such a fun experience and the best part...it's FREE! Being home with the boys everyday in the summer, I'm always looking for new things to do. We can spend quite a good chunk of change on entertainment after three months of this. The more I can find that is cheap, the better.
These horses are such fascinating animals. They are so gentle-natured and beautiful. We got there just in time to see the caretakers walking each horse out of their stalls, one-by-one, to be groomed. The size of them is incredible. I think my boys were most impressed by the size of their...uh...you know. I guess it's a "guy-thing" to be always checking that out, but to be quite honest...I couldn't stop staring, either! Along with the Clydesdales, there are also horses, ponies, cattle, and a zebra!

The boys made friends with this cat. She was used to being petted and she was loving the attention.

Make a Difference Monday

2010-08-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

So, this post brags on my child, a bit. Forgive me, but I have to.

I can't take credit for this idea. I stole it from our babysitter, KB. I'm sure she would say she couldn't take credit for the idea, either, but she inspired us, so I credit her. KB has been doing something called, "Make a Difference Monday." A Christian music station called KLove has started this phenomenon of every Monday doing something for a friend or stranger that makes a difference in someone's life. KB has been doing this awhile and she blessed me one day by putting a Starbucks (God bless her, she knows this momma lives on coffee.) gift card in my mailbox when I was going through a hard time.
I loved the surprise so much and I just kept thinking how thoughtful that was for her to do. This college student who has plenty on her plate was putting others before herself to make a difference. It may not seem like much...but on a day when I was struggling and feeling invisible, once again, I felt like someone 'saw' me. It was huge to me...in my small, little world. It felt HUGE.
I started thinking how that could be something really useful to help my children 'see' others and take the focus off themselves. We have not been so consistent about it this summer, but we've had some really neat opportunities to show others Christ's love. The first time was a day that we met Jon for lunch at Ted's mexican restaurant. I had just spent a great morning with my kids at the Jumpzone, playing on the moonbounces. I saw a mother walk in with her daughter. Her little girl was probably 10years old. She was very pale, very sickly looking, and she was wearing a bandana over her sweet, little hairless head. It was apparent that her daughter had some form of cancer and she had probably just endured chemotherapy. I couldn't stop looking at them. The mother seemed genuinely happy. She smiled a lot as her and her daughter enjoyed lunch together. I couldn't help but feel compassion for that mother. She has such strength to endure her daughter's cancer, but it looked as if it hadn't stolen her joy. I felt a little guilty of the time I just spent with my boys at the Jumpzone. I took that time for granted. I felt guilty that I was really looking forward to their naptime that afternoon so that I could have two hours to myself. I wanted to go up to that mother and look deep into her eyes and give her a long, tight, hug. I chickened out with that and bought her lunch instead.
Jackson asked why I was doing this and after a long conversation, I told him that we were going to start doing something called, "Make a Difference Monday." He asked how he would know who he should help, and I told him that we would pray that God would put someone on our hearts.
Fast forward to last Sunday, we are walking out of church and Matt says hello to us in the parking lot. Matt is a 23 year old man from our church who is mentally disabled. Every Sunday and Wednesday Matt can be seen walking around the church. He always comes to say hello, give a handshake or high-five and show us some kind of toy or cartoon dvd he has in his posession. Jackson has felt a little nervous or afraid around Matt. I think it was initially hard for him to understand why this grown man talked and acted like a small child. After many long conversations about Matt, Jack has begun to have a soft place in his heart for him.
So, after church Sunday, Matt says hello and shows us three cartoon dvd's he is very proud of. After he walks away, Jack says, "Mom, I have an idea. How about we do 'Make a Difference Monday' for Matt. I bet he would like a new cartoon to watch."
My heart swelled and I fought back tears as I told Jack I thought that would be a great idea.
The next day we headed to Target to buy a new DVD for Matt. Jackson picked one out he thought Matt would enjoy and he also wanted to buy him a Crayola Color Wonder set of Toy Story. We got Matt a card and wrote on it that it was 'Make a Difference Monday' and Jackson wanted to bless Matt and show him that he is special. Jackson signed his name himself and we left it on Matt's porch. Matt's mother called me a couple days later to thank Jackson and let him know that Toy Story is Matt's absolute favorite. I can't help but believe that Jackson heard from God that day. I don't think it was on a whim he chose him. I know God spoke to Jack to tell him that Matt needed to feel the love of Christ that day.
We told KB about how she had paid it forward. Unbeknownst to us, KB emailed KLove to tell them Jackson's story. KLove called KB to tell her that they may be telling Jackson's story on the radio sometime this Monday!
I'm so proud to have a child that 'sees' others. Others that sometimes get glanced over. Others that may not see clear signs everyday of God's love and affection for them. Thank you Lord, for teaching Jackson to be selfless. Thank you, for using Jack to share your love to Matt. Wouldn't the world be an awesome place to live if everyone made a difference in someone's world just one day a week?
This is one of Jackson's memory verses: Romans 12:10 "Love each other deeply. Honor others before yourself."

Tball Trophy

2010-08-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

I'm really behind on my blogging, but I had to be sure to post this. Jackson's tball team received a trophy for 3rd place this season. This is REALLY good, considering this team didn't stand a chance at the first few games. I'm so proud of him. It was so awesome to see how Jackson improved. I'm ashamed to say this, but at the first of the season, I had told someone how I didn't know that Jackson was going to be "the baseball player his dad was." I really regret saying this now. Not only because it doesn't matter if he's like his dad or not, but also because I doubted that he may not measure up. Well...I was wrong. Jackson was deemed the nickname, "Jackson, 'The Locomotive' Elliott", by his coaches. Even if he doesn't play ball through college, like Jon...or even high school; if this is the only year he ever plays, I couldn't be more proud. He was challenged and he persevered.
I remember when I was pregnant with Jack. Jon and I went for our 18 week ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. When they told me it was a boy, for a minute, I was a little disappointed in it not being a girl. Jon said to me, "Steph, you're going to love having a boy, I promise you. You just wait til he brings you your first flower he ever picks, wait til he says he wants to marry his mommy, wait til he plays tball. I promise, you're going to love it."
Looking back, I can't imagine how I was ever disappointed. Jon was right. When he picked a flower and brought it to me the first time...I was so proud. When he said that he wanted to marry his mommy...I was so proud. And when I watched him play tball...I WAS SO PROUD. I didn't think I could love someone as much as I love you Jack. And, no matter what you decide to be in life....I will be SO PROUD...because, you're mine.

Cole and the Potty

2010-08-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

So, I've said it before and I'll say it again...I underestimate this child. I don't know if I don't think he's capable of doing certain things or that subconsiously, I try to hold him back so that he won't grow up so quickly.
A couple of weeks ago, Cole wanted to wear a pair of bubba's underwear. "I wew unnawews wiff caws on 'em." In case you can't understand Cole's language, that was...he wanted to wear underwear with cars on it. Jon was home by this time and he told Cole he could wear the underwear if he would peepee on the potty. I looked at him with a look that said, "Yeah, right. Good luck with that." Jack chimed in and told Cole he would go with him and they could pee in the potty together. Cole still seemed unsure until we mentioned the idea of putting a cheerio in the potty and letting him "squirt" it.
He looked at Jon and said "Aiye." Translation: "Aiye," in Colie language means "yeah" or "okay." My jaw hit the floor.
I've had the potty conversations many times with Cole and he adamently says "NO!"...everytime. I had firmly believed in my mind that Cole was a child that would be potty-trained no sooner than 3 years old. I thought he was incapable of understanding what it meant to use the potty. Honestly...we've been busy with the move and getting settled, that I just haven't made it a priority.
Other than the day he pooped on the back porch...this potty-training thing has been a breeze.
Even though I hate it that you are growing so quickly before my eyes, I'm proud of you, Colie.

My Little Ballplayer

2010-08-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

Jackson has become quite the ballplayer this season. It was so incredible to watch him improve and find confidence in his ability to play the game. He started out the season dreading each and every game and practice. He would beg me to miss..."just this once." But over time, Jackson really started to improve. With practice and encouragement, he began to see that he really was good at he game. He mostly played catcher and 3rd base. As a mother, to see his face when he made an out was one of the best feelings in the world. He was really proud of himself...but not as proud as I was of him.

It's HOT!

2010-08-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

Our boys have really been enjoying our backyard this summer...so much adventure and mischief for a 2 and 5 year old. The only thing I'm worried about is that every time they go outside, they get naked. I'm beginning to think the neighbors might think we're nudists. But, with this weather we've been having lately, who could blame the boys? I have a picture of Jon mowing in his birthday suit, but I won't post that one!

Choosing my Battles

2010-06-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

Cole is finding his own voice. He uses this voice to emphatically demand his wants to me. Some things are not negotiable, but I'm learning to let go of other things that I once thought were non-negotiable...like me always picking what my children wear. On our venture to Wal-Mart, this is what he chose....

That's right...camo shorts must have cowboy boots and mittens to look just right. Did I mention it was 95 degrees this day?

Our New House

2010-06-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

Well, we're finally moved in...kind of. I say "kind of" because I still have quite a few boxes still in the garage and I haven't unpacked anything for three weeks. I'm pretty burnt out right now. It's a slow process of trying to make your house a home. I keep trying to remind myself that it took me five years to get the last house the way I wanted it. Here are a few pictures.

My entryway...I love the wallpaper. Some hate it...I love it.

My porch swing. This is my new favorite place, especially early in the morning.

Our backyard with big shade trees.

Our den...I finally buckled and let Jon get recliners after I said I never would....they're our "ma and pa" chairs.

Our dining room. I plan on have Sunday dinners in here every week.

My formal living room. I get to have girly, pretty, totally impractical furniture in there because no children are allowed!

I love this house. It's a fixer-upper. There are lots of changes that need to be made, but that will take some time. It's a house that I can see myself living in for many years and making lots of happy memories. It was a bittersweet move. As we closed the garage door for the last time on our old house, Jon cried. This of course made me cry. It was our first home as a newleywed couple. We brought our babies home there. Jackson learned to crawl for the first time down that hall. Cole banged his milkcup on the rock fireplace and it still bears the calcifications. Sampson dug a hole in the carpet down to the cement floor...yeah...that was a bad day.
We put every nail in those walls, every stain on the carpet, every flower in the yard. Jon built the shutters with his own two hands. That house has seen lots of tears and lots of joys. It served as a place that always felt safe to me. It was a shelter against many thunderstorms, tornadoes and blizzards. It blocked me from the world as I cried alone and felt overwhelmed. The mantle held our stockings: first mine, Jon's, and Sampson's...then Jack's and Cole's. In the garage, the wall shows the markings of the boys height year after year. To quote one my all-time favorite movie, 'Father of the Bride', "it was warm in the winter and cool in the summer. It was a great house". But, as I became really sad, I got to thinking...that's just what it is...a 'house'. In the movie, Steve Martin goes on to say, "What I love most about this place were the faces I saw when I walked through the door."
Those faces are in the new house with new memories waiting to be made. I'm excited for what the future holds here. I also know that the old house will always be a place I drive past every now and then and say, "Remember when?"

"Lightbulb" Moments

2010-05-12T21:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place right now. I've been in an emotional battle with myself for quite some time...28 years to be exact. The good news is...I've made some real progress over the last three years! Progress that is changing my life-my relationship with my husband and my children, my thoughts about myself, the way I react in situations I don't want to be in, etc. God has really been working on me now for three long years. To grow is painful. I don't take pain easily. I'm a baby when it comes to pain; physical, emotional, psychological. I was born into this world wanting to have it easy in every area of my life...unfortunately, God didn't see it my way. I've experienced a lot of pain...a lot.
Isn't it amazing, how when you think you've finally got yourself figured out, life pushes you face down in the mud and calls you a 'wiener'? You're flying high, feeling good, got your ducks in a row, and suddenly...the bottom drops out. To put it mildly...I'm a work in progress. I've battled with addictions my whole life: obsessive cleaning, compulsive thoughts, my battle with food, spending money when I'm emotional, amongst other unmentionable addictions. I know some of you might be thinking I'm being dramatic, but honestly, I do struggle.
I was watching Oprah today-I know, I know! How typical of a housewife to get advice from Oprah, but I swear, God has spoken to me through many an "Oprah Winfrey" show before! She had a guest on her show speaking about a book she wrote about women and their addictions to food. Isn't it interesting how men don't struggle with food as an emotional issue quite like women? But as I was watching this she was talking about addictive behavior and how we choose a behavior to avoid feeling the emotions we have instead. I'm eating when you aren't really hungry. I'm obsessively cleaning when my house is spotless, I'm telling myself things that I know, logically, aren't true, I'm shopping for something when I don't know what exactly I'm looking for nor do I need anything. The cycle is repetitive...I do the same behaviors over and over, expecting different results than the last time.
I've lived since I was four years old, believing that I'm not enough...I'm not enough and I'm too much, all at the same time. If I do it differently...better, then...then they will be happy...I will be happy. If I look good on the outside, they won't notice how painful it is on the inside. I've failed. What if they leave me?
I relate all things in my life to motherhood. Seriously...who needs high school, or college, or a doctorate? The most important thing in our life comes down to relationships, and you don't learn that by earning a degree, it comes from life experience. My children have taught me so much...so much. I see my faults in ways I've taught them. But, I'm also seeing my strengths in what I've taught them. There is no better feeling than to watch your child doing something great and to have the satisfaction of knowing that you are responsible for that. No amount of money, drugs, alcohol, or sex will satisfy you like this will.
My "lightbulb" moment is to be aware from now on. When I face a stressful moment, instead of reacting prematurely, I'm going to think...What am I feeling right now? What am I "hungry" for? Will I feel better after I do my "drug of choice", or will it leave me still feeling empty? What can I learn from this experience?
I will stop telling myself that I'm not good enough. I will stop dwelling on my failures. I will remind myself that "it" wasn't about me. I will stop pursuing perfection, and remember that practice does not make perfection, but progress. I will include God in my decisions about even the simple things....food, time management, feelings, etc. I will forgive myself. I will ask myself my favorite Dr. Phil question...How's this workin' for me? I will remember that the difference between prayer and worry is to whom you direct your thoughts. I will stop punishing myself for what is in the past and out of my control. I will stop thinking about the "what-if's". I will stop measuring my self-worth on what the world says is successful. I will embrace my body at every stage of my life and be thankful at how it has taken care of me. I will take the word "but", out of my vocabulary. I will dwell on what I'm thankful for and blessed with instead of my shortcomings. I won't resist change. I will end each day with telling myself, "Good job, Steph...and we'll try again tomorrow".
Be patient...God isn't finished with me, yet.

Ring Around the Tub

2010-05-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

Now that it's summer we've been spending a lot more time outside. The weather has been great lately, with the exception of the wind. Every night, this is what my tub looks like after the boys bathe....

Boys: aka Loud Noise Covered in Dirt

2010-05-04T19:10:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when you leave your children alone for 30 seconds while you actually have an uninterrupted conversation with another adult....

Never trust the silence...that's when you know they're doing something they shouldn't be.

God Answers Prayer

2010-04-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

It has been a busy month for us here at the Elliott house. A whirlwind of events, really. Since the last time I blogged, Jon and I decided to put our home up for sale. It's something we were planning on doing sometime this spring anyhow, but we thought that we would have some sort of clue as to where we would be moving. We've been looking for a new home on and off for three years now. Due to other events in our life and not finding what we were looking for, it was really becoming a frustrating search. So, here at the last minute, we decided we would take advantage of the tax incentive going on and put our house up for sale in hopes that some young couple would be looking for their first home. April 13th our home went on the market. I was still painting that afternoon when our realtor called and said that we had our first showing the next night. Someone actually called and wanted a showing two hours after our house was listed on MLS. We received an offer from that couple later in the week and sadly, things didn't go through. Jon and I were really upset, thinking we had blown this opportunity of an offer. We just kept beating ourselves up over it.
Meanwhile, we found a home we loved, made an offer and it was denied. Not counter-offered, just denied, period. Jon said he had prayed before he called to make the offer that God would close the door if this wasn't meant to be. Well, God closed it. So, in our minds...it was over. We prayed and God delivered.
The very next day, I was telling my friend the story when Jon walks in the room. He has his phone where I can hear the owner of "the house" telling Jon he would like to make us a counter-offer! We were shocked! It was great news.
However, now the pressure was on. Jon has been working a lot of hours recently. This is not his normal schedule but he's a salesman and currently has a big job going on downtown for the brand new Devon building. It's going to be the largest building to ever be built in Oklahoma. It's been a huge blessing to us, but also has been a test of patience for me. I'm not used to my husband having this schedule. Meanwhile, I am with the kids all day, and trying to paint and keep the house spotless for showings. Tension is running high.
I began praying for a buyer. Prayer is and has always been a struggle for me. I tend to dwell and worry and think, rather than talk to God about how I'm feeling. I clean house for a precious little lady named Peggy. On Peggy's wall is a wall hanging that says, "The difference between prayer and worry is to whom you direct your thoughts."
I've dusted this wall hanging every other week for two years. I think about the meaning of it, a lot, and so I thought I would put this saying into practice. I've been praying for a buyer every time the thought comes into my mind....literally about five times a day. I got tired of praying the same thing every time, so I prayed that God would cut greediness out of me, that I would be willing to take a lower offer for the sake of selling. I prayed for the buyers that God would be preparing their hearts. I prayed that I would have my ears open to hear God's voice and nudging in anything I needed to be aware of. I prayed like I've never prayed before. I began to have a peace that I've never had before. I began to feel that God didn't lead me to this place for it to fall threw. I knew then, that he was in control, he would take care of us, and he would bring a buyer into our lives.
Eleven days after our house went onto the market, we found a buyer. A young couple, pregnant with their first child, gave us a great offer. I found later that they made an offer on a house a few days before, only to be denied, and I started to think about how God had probably answered their prayers too. I'm sure they were upset when their offer on the previous house wasn't accepted. Time was running out for them on making the tax credit and with her expecting, I'm sure she's feeling the need to find a home.
I know I shouldn't be surprised when God blesses me...when He answers my prayers...when he gives me my hearts' desires. But...I am. Why does the creator of the universe care about what's going on in my little world? It's baffling to me sometimes.
I'm grateful for this time in our lives, even if it is a little stressful. I'm excited to bring my kids to their new home and watch them play in the backyard. I'm excited to see Jack run up and down the stairs-this was his one and only requirement on a house! I'm so thankful to God and feel so humbled by his love and blessing. It reminds me of the verse that Jon and I put on our wedding program:
"Now unto Him who is able to do abundantly more than we could ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20

Trinity Tornadoes

2010-03-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, we had our first T-ball game. I've been looking forward to this for the past few weeks...actually, that's not true. I've been looking forward to this since I found out I was pregnant with Jackson. I dreamed of sitting in the stands cheering my little heart out for my boy and Jon being a coach for the team. Jackson had a little anxiety before the game, but Jon practiced with him in the yard before we went to the field and that helped. Honestly, I think my nerves were worse than his. All day I'd been making notes for a list of things I didn't want to forget. I try really hard not to put my fears onto my children, but I was a little nervous for him. I don't like to see my children anxious or uncomfortable in situations that don't feel natural to them. Cole, I've always noticed is the more athletic child. He's more aggressive too. Jackson is sensitive and polite and this made me wonder how much he would really enjoy sports. I have to tell you, he impressed me. He was not very happy that he had to wear jeans to the game...with a hole in the knee, God forbid! Darn it when little boys don't pull their britches down far enough at the potty and leak onto their sweatpants. So, right as we were heading out the door, his only choice was to wear jeans. He fussed and complained about it the entire ride to the field. I assured him that most kids on the team would be wearing jeans also...sure enough, not a one. Jackson really enjoyed himself. I could tell he enjoyed the game...even batting. He was so worried he would hit a ball and it would go behind him and not in front. I told him everyone will hit a foul ball and sure enough, he hit two. But, he also got two base hits and he scored a run. My proudest moment was when a ball was hit to him at third and he threw it to first and his teammate tagged the player out. He even showed a little aggression by chasing after a hit ball...along with every other player on his team...and he and Justyce collided. No tears though! He got up and dusted himself off and went back to dancing around in the field! I thought this moment was so cute-Natalie was crying almost the entire game because: 1)she didn't like her hair-such a girl!...and 2)she didn't want anyone else wearing her batting helmet. Jackson was trying to comfort her and do funny things-he did end up getting a smile and a laugh out of her! After the game, we took Jack to 7-11 to get a cherry coke. I asked him if he had fun and he said, "Yeah, but I'm upset we didn't win." I had to explain to him that he did win...the Trinity Tornadoes won the game. "Oh!," he said, "Well then, where's my trophy?"

Date Night with Jackson

2010-03-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight was Jackson's date night. When I asked him last week what he wanted to do, he said he wanted to eat dinner at Johnny Carino's (his favorite restaurant), go bowling, get a movie to rent, eat fondue at the Melting Pot, and get a toy at Toys R Us. I had to remind him that mommy was not a millionaire and I also had to keep the cost fair between he and Cole, so we narrowed our choices down. He settled for dinner at home. He requested chocolate-chip pancakes, bacon, and strawberries and blueberries. Breakfast for dinner is one of his favorites.

The boys making funny faces.

Next, we went bowling. On the way there, Jackson and I made a pact that he and I would be on a team and compete against daddy. I'm usually a pretty good bowler, but Jon has the whole "athletics" thing in his favor. Needless to say, I do not. Unbelievably, Jackson beat both Jon and I! Jon was behind by just two points-Jack was pretty proud of himself. He did have the benefit of the ramp to give a little extra boost, but even still, I was impressed! Jon and I really like bowling with the kids because it gives us an excuse to use the bumpers. I love the bumpers!

Check out that scoreboard-amazing, huh???

We took Jackson to Family Video and let him pick a Scooby Doo movie and a train documentary. Isn't he bizarre? What four-year old likes documentaries? Thank goodness for free kids movies at Family Video-makes for a cheap night of entertainment!
Afterwards, we headed to the Melting Pot. Jackson has been wanting to go there and have chocolate fondue for quite some time now. It's one of the "someday" things that we haven't ever gotten around to before. Jackson chose the Flaming Turtle-milk chocolate, caramel, and pecans, all flambeed. He loved it. I just loved watching him eat the chocolate. He didn't care that he was making a mess all over the table, his shirt or his face. He just enjoyed every minute of it. Jon and I hardly ate anything. But, Jackson had no problem clearing the platter. He even asked the waiter if he could have some extra strawberries.

As we left I asked Jackson if he had a good date night. He said, "Yeah, sometimes it nice to be without 'little trouble' (AKA Cole). But now, I'm ready to go home and see Colie."
Some things I noticed about Jackson tonight. 1)He loves to be touched, encouraged, and talked to intimately. 2)He is funny...really hysterical. 3)He thrives on one-on-one time. 4)He is the best big brother. He is glad to have time away from the little one, but he thinks about him constantly. He kept saying, "Mom, wouldn't Cole love this?"
Jackson, you are the light of my life, my joy, my firstborn son, and there is none like you.

Sesame Street Live with Cole

2010-03-12T21:29:00.000-08:00

Jon and I are trying something new-individual date nights with our boys. We've done them with Jackson for a couple years now, but since Cole is getting older we decided it was time for him to get his own date night with mommy and daddy, too.
Since Sesame Street Live was coming to the Cox Center, I took the opportunity to plan this for his date. Cole loves Elmo and Cookie Monster.
We dropped Jackson off at Birdie and Grumpy's. Jackson was not the least bit jealous that Cole's date night came first. I don't know if he was happier about going to Birdie and Grumpy's or that he didn't have to see Elmo. That's for babies, you know!!!
When we finally got the convention center, it seemed like Cole was more interested in the seats. He kept sitting in them and then jumping out quickly and watching it flip back up. He climbed all over me. I was a little disappointed thinking, "He doesn't even care. I could've just saved 60 bucks."

But then Elmo began to sing, "La-la, la, la. La-la, la, la...Elmo's world!" Cole was singing...no shouting the song at the top of his lungs. He just stared at the stage and I just stared at him. I would've paid $60 just to see that sheer joy and excitement on his little sweet face. My mind went back to when Jack was 18 months old. We took him to see Elmo, and he gave that same look of pure childhood magic! It made me a little sad-to know that Jackson has grown so much in three years. Cole is now almost 2 1/2. I can't believe this. Seems like just yesterday I was up every hour in the middle of the night nursing that little curly, red-headed baby. Now, no more curls. No more red hair-it turned brown. But he still sucks his thumb and loves Elmo so...I'll take it.

I was feeling really nostalgic. In my mind, I was thinking..."I could do one more baby."
We took Cole to Lushberries-he wanted some "Gogut." We got him some yogurt, I'm feeding him and he's insisting standing in the chair. I look over and say, "Colie, sit down on your bottom," just as he takes a step backward and falls out of the chair. No catch with his arms, no knees hitting the concrete floor first to break the impact. No! That would be too convenient for me. He hits the floor face-first. I immediately pick him up and look at his mouth for bleeding and see half his tooth sitting on his lip. Perfect. This will be only the second time to have his tooth fixed, and actually, he chipped the one next to it months ago, but I decided it wasn't bad enough to take him back in. The kid isn't old enough to have had dental cleaning, but he will have made multiple trips for dental work. This...the week after Jackson had to have a filling. For the girl who used to work for a dental practice, I'm not doing very well with my own children.
I pick him up and hold and comfort him til he stops crying. He just kept saying, "My teef boaked." His little lips are swollen and bruised. He has a red bump on his head. I put him to sleep and close his door and think maybe God just wants this momma to have only two boys!

The Last Month

2010-03-10T20:51:00.000-08:00

I haven't been a very good 'blogger' over the last month. So funny now to think I thought I could blog every other day. What was I thinking? Truthfully, I really enjoy blogging. It feels like therapy to me to be able to type out my feelings or my stresses. It's a way of release for me.
My life feels out of balance lately. I've gotten into that old bad habit again of putting everyone and everything before myself. Ladies, please tell me I'm not alone in this! The bad part about doing this is that I become very unhappy. I'm not necessarily an "artsy" person but I do feel the need to be creative and have an outlet.
My children have been my preoccupation lately. I swear if I hear "But, why?," from Jack, or "What dat?," from Cole one more time today, I just might lose it. I tell Jon that on an average day I have 3-5 minutes at a time to try to get something done before I have to clean up a mess the boys created, break-up a fight, discipline, or answer a question. It's exhausting.
On top of this, there's a home to take care of, bills to pay, errands to run, groceries to be bought, and meals to cook. We're thinking of putting our house up for sale, so my mind is swimming with what needs to be done before it's put on the market. I remember I need to register the boys for Mother's Day Out next Monday, I need to re-pot that plant before it dies, write a thank-you note to my friend, plan my girlfriends baby shower, and give Sampson his medicine.
So, at the end of the day, I haven't eaten right, had even one glass of water, exercised, had time with God...or blogged. All of these things make me feel better and balanced. I'm a better wife, mother, daughter, and friend when I take care of myself.
My question is...Why do we women feel guilty to put ourselves first? Why do I think laundry is more important than taking myself for a long walk? Why do I think bottled-in feelings can wait til a more 'convenient' time? Why do I think I can give my best to my children when I didn't talk to the Lord today?
I've started to think about what is next for me in this life. Who am I? What are my gifts? What does God want me to do with them for his glory? I've been thinking about what I want to do in the future. I realized a dream that's building inside me. I'm thinking about writing a book. Just a story of my life and my testimony. I don't expect anyone to read it, it's just something that I think would be fun. I would like my children to be able to look back someday and read my thoughts at certain points in my life and maybe understand where I was coming from. I'm just hoping that I make the time to begin it and follow through with it. I have a huge fear of failure and a fear of being judged. I'm scared to reveal my secrets and bare my soul. I've been thinking and praying about it a lot and I feel like it's something in the making.
So...I'm making the effort starting tomorrow morning to stop sacrificing myself to please others. Actually, it's not really even to please others because I know Jon doesn't care about a bed that's not made or dishes in the sink. He would love it if I took better care of myself and fed my soul because he loves me and he loves to see me happy. My children deserve to have a mother who is healthy and happy and balanced. I think it's more about meeting the irrational standards of perfection that I have set up for myself.
Please pray for me that this week I will spend more time on 'important' things...and this includes ME.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

Waiting....

2010-03-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

I'm in a difficult season of my life right now...a season of waiting on God's timing. Of course, God's timing does not seem to be MY timing, so this has been a challenge for me. I'm kind of at a crossroads where I'm wondering, "What's next?"

There are some desires of my heart where I feel like God is not answering my prayers. Well, I guess he IS answering, it's just that his answer seems to be "Wait, Steph." And since that's not the answer I'm looking for, I feel like he's not listening. In my 27 years of life, patience is a 'fruit of the spirit' I have not mastered. If I'm being honest, I haven't mastered any of them, but some areas are more difficult for me than others. At nearly 28 years old, I don't know that I'm any better at this than I was at Jackson's age.

In waiting, I've been able to really consider some things that I think I want. I'm analyzing them every way I can. I'm doubting if this is really the best decision; if these things will or should really happen.

I look back at other times in my life where God said, "Not now." Really, when I look back, the waiting periods were so difficult, but I am so glad I waited. The payoff was awesome. Even times where God said, "No, Steph-not this one, not now," he has always provided something later...something better than what I thought I wanted at that time. I trust God to take care of me, I trust that he knows the desires of my heart and wants to give them to me. The hard part is just enduring this time between.

"But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
-Romans 8:24b-25

Fun at Papa and GG's

2010-02-08T19:37:00.000-08:00

We have really enjoyed the snow this winter. I say "enjoyed," as in past-tense because I've had my fill. I'm ready to be able to go play outside and have my kids ride their bikes. I want my dog to be able to go outside to potty without tracking in mud, slushy snow and grass on my clean floors, and I'm tired of comfort food because it's starting to show on my waistline.
Nevertheless, we've had a great time. The other day we went to Papa and GG's and went sledding on their five acres. Papa attached a sled to his four-wheeler and pulled everyone around. Even GG was a good sport to play along. Papa tried his hardest to throw her off the sled, but she held on tight! I wish I had the pictures of her from that day. It was hilarious!

My honey and I in the snow.

Cole all bundled up.

Cole and PaPa driving the four-wheeler.

He was trying to shovel some of the snow for us.

Amber "surf-sledding." She's tougher than me!

The beautiful view!

Jon sledding.

Elliott boys.

Brotherly Love

2010-01-21T13:35:00.000-08:00

Something I am really enjoying about my boys right now is that finally at ages 4 and 2, they are really beginning to play with each other. It's so cute to watch, especially when they don't know I'm watching. I love to hear Colie say, "Tank-ooo, Bubba", when Jackson does something nice. I love to see them hug and kiss each other. I love to see Jack help Cole when Cole can't quite get the hang of something. It's like they are really starting to become friends. This gives me such joy and it makes me feel like I've done something right. After all, my children are a direct reflection of Jon and I. However, sometimes I'm more proud of this reflection than other times.
I think about when I was pregnant with Cole...I wanted a girl so badly. I am so thankful God gave me another little boy because I know they will be friends for life. I love my boys. I love the way they love their mommy. I love to see them wrestle with their daddy. I love to see them play with trucks and trains and listen to all the sound effects they can make with just their mouths. You will never see a little girl do this! Secretly, I love the dirtiness and grossness too. It makes me laugh. Thank you God for little boys.

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Ecclesiates 4:9-10

Follow God’s example in everything you do just as much loved child imitates his father. Be full of love for others, following the example of Christ who loved you and gave himself to God as a sacrifice to take away your sins. And God was pleased, for Christ’s love for you was like sweet perfume to him. Ephesians 5: 1-2 TLB

A Great Day

2010-01-21T13:07:00.000-08:00

Today was a great day. It was a day of no make-up, no place to be, and lots of time with my kids. I was the kind of mom today that I wish I could be everyday. We played with moonsand, which is totally out of my comfort zone. Cole ate some, Jack made a mess of it on the floor, and you know what...I DIDN'T have a meltdown. I survived the mess, and my kids enjoyed themselves. We didn't watch much tv which I think helped both the boys and myself. And best of all, we took a long walk and no one was run over! Cole did however get tired, so I had to carry him and his tricycle the last 1/4 mile home. I even got my house clean-amazing! I feel like "Supermom" today!

I was feeling so good about how I handled myself today, and then I walked into the laundry room and found this-

Okay, so maybe I'm not "Supermom." That could've really been dangerous. I can just imagine Jack telling Colie to get in, and then him turning it on. We had to have a good, long talk about that.

Things I Think About When I Should be Sleeping

2010-01-18T22:35:00.000-08:00

It's 12:35am and I'm laying in bed with the song, "Do you believe in Love?" by Huey Luis and the News playing over and over in my head. I can't tell you when the last time was that I heard that song. I hate that song, but yet at 12am when I should be sleeping, ol' Huey is telling me I, "better be believin' too". I was really tired at 10pm but instead of going to bed, I cleaned a bathroom, watched the news, ate a snack and checked my Facebook.
Sometimes I go threw bouts of insomnia. I have my whole life, but especially since I've been a mother, they seem to come more frequently. I'm different than most people in the sense that I dread bedtime. I love nap time, but bedtime isn't so much fun. I don't know why that is. I wonder if it's the fact that I know tomorrow I have to get up and do it all over again, so I try to postpone the inevitable as much as possible. Also, I just enjoy the silence that comes around 8:30. When the boys go to bed I watch my shows, do laundry, have a uninterrupted conversation with Jon...it's awesome.
It's not going to be so awesome however at 7:30 when Cole starts yelling, "MOE-MMY!" He doesn't ease into waking up like Jackson, instead he starts off with a bang.
As I'm sitting here in the wee hours of the morning, these are the things that are going through my brain:
1. I should get up and do my Bible study instead of lying here not sleeping.
2. The woman that wrote my Bible study is blind. I wonder what it would be like to be blind? How would I take care of my kids?
3. One of my girlfriends just had twins. These are numbers 4 and 5 for her. How does she do it? I can't handle two. She delivered them with no pain medication...naturally.
4. When do I want to have another baby?
5. What if it were a girl?
6. I didn't pray today..."Dear God..."
7. Jackson has the cutest prayers.
8. How do you get kids to stop eating boogers? Jackson is the booger-eating king. He told me yesterday that "I eat my boogers, cause that's what gives me my power."
9. Power...I really need to start working out. The only time I have is before the kids wake up or at nap time, and I'm not doing either one of those.
10. I need to call my grandma.
11. I wonder if when I get old, will I look like her or my mother's mother?
12. I miss my mother's mother.
13. She used to take me swimming in the summer.
14. I need to remember to get a White Water pass this year.
15. Then, I should be working out if I'm going to White Water.
16. I wish Jon would quit snoring.
17. Oh my gosh, I forgot that I was praying..."Father, God..."
18. I wonder if my household cleaning chemicals are dangerous?
19. What's more dangerous-cleaning chemicals or salmonella bacteria on my counter?
20. I should really set some chicken out to thaw for dinner tomorrow.
21. I'd rather go eat Mexican food.
22. I must be craving salt...pickles sound good right now.
23. I'd have to brush my teeth again and I'm not doing that.
24. I really need to bleach my teeth again, they're getting pretty dingy.
25. When is my next dental cleaning?
26. Jackson and Cole are going to need braces. I should start saving now.
27. Do you start saving for college for braces? Private school or a grocery bill for two teenage boys?
28. The topic of private school vs. public school. I need to pray about that.
29. Oh man, "God, I am so sorry..."

It's now 1:02, maybe I've racked my brain enough that I'll be able to sleep.

Thankful

2010-01-14T12:36:00.000-08:00

We had a really close call yesterday. I feel like I still haven't quite gotten over it. I took the boys for a walk after their nap. Jackson likes to ride his bike and so Cole has started to want to do the same, of course. No longer is the stroller good enough for him. He has this little Radio Flyer tricycle with no peddles. You should see him on this thing...he can fly! It is so cute. Anyway we are rounding the corner at the end of our street. Jackson is ahead of me making a right turn. Cole is to my left. I notice a big truck coming so I look at Cole and motion for him to come over here and get by the curb. I look up and notice the truck isn't stopping. Sampson panics and rips the leash out of my hand to jump onto the grass. It was like everything was moving in slow motion. I look and Cole and look at the truck and yell "Oh my gosh...Oh my gooooosh-STOOOPPPP! The man hits the tire of Cole's bike and slams on his brakes. Cole is flipped over onto his back in the street literally two inches from the mans' tire. I heard Jackson screaming Cole's name and crying. That still brings tears to my eyes.
Just thinking about it again makes my body tense up. I grabbed Cole up, ran over to the grass and started looking him over. Poor baby, it was 50 degrees outside, and I'm stripping him down looking at every inch of his sweet little body. The man gets out of his truck and asks, "What happened?"
"What happened," I said, "is you hit him with your truck!" The mama bear came out in me. I usually am not one to raise my voice at perfect strangers, even in a situation that calls for it. I try to keep my composure. I was in complete survivor-mode. All that mattered was my child at this minute...the rest of the world stood still. The man says, "Buddy, are you okay? You gotta stay closer to the curb." That really got under my skin. Sure my kid should've been closer to the curb, but his eyes should've also been open since he was operating a vehicle. He was too close to even Jackson and I, despite Cole. What ever happened to saying 'Sorry'? 'Sorry for almost killing your child, mam,' 'Sorry for almost giving you a heart attack.' 'Sorry you will lose a night's sleep tonight.'
Of course, in usual 'Cole-fashion', Cole cried all of 31.2 seconds and it was over. Me, on the other hand...I can't seem to shake it. I took a bendedryl last night to sleep. I was so stressed. I just kept thinking, "What if..."
I am so thankful God was watching over my child yesterday. I know this won't be the last parental scare I have. This probably won't even make the charts someday, but for that moment in time, I felt like my world could've completely stopped. What I keep thinking is that I am so grateful.
As I've said before, Cole is exhausting. At the end of the day, I'm tired from all the talking, the messes, the fit-throwing, the discipline, etc. But, when I wondered what my world could be like without him, I was beyond sad. He adds so much life and laughter and noise to our family. I held him a little tighter, a little longer last night. I kissed and hugged and laughed a little more. Thank for God for protecting my child and showing me grace and blessing me have have another day with him.
I asked Cole today after nap if he wanted to take a walk and ride his bike. After a long, intense look, he says, "Cole no ride bike. Truck go boom crash da baby." I hope he's not traumatized!
"But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; Let those also who love Your name be joyful in You. For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous; With favor You will surround him as with a shield." (Ps 5.11-12)

My sweet "Apple Jack"

2010-01-08T13:17:00.000-08:00

Jackson is an amazing child. He is a complete love and I feel like I don't say enough about him in my blog, so this blog is dedicated to him.
Last night we watched some old home videos for fun. I've forgotten what Jackson was like as a baby. I remember when I used to ask my mother or my mother-in-law about raising their children and there answer was usually, "Hmmm, I don't remember."
What! You don't remember! How could you not remember?!!! But as I watched these old movies, I just kept thinking, "I don't remember what it was like to have just one child." "I don't remember the sound of his sweet little voice." "I don't remember what I did with my time?"
The memories came to me a little, but still looking into that six-month old face of Jack seemed like another lifetime to me. Now, I see a big, four-year old boy. A boy obsessed and enamored with all things "trains." A boy who sometimes has an attitude and a tone of voice that gets under my skin. I see a boy who has a heart for people and God. A boy who is impatient and a perfectionist. I see in him, the man he will become. Jackson is different from other children in the way that he seems wise beyond his years. He says things sometimes that leave me speechless and knowing that only God has done this. He says things like, "Mom, isn't it sad that some people don't know Jesus? I feel so sad for them."; or "Hey Colie, when you were in mommy's tummy, did you see her heart?" He is kind of an old soul.
Jackson has taught me so much about motherhood. I think I could've bypassed college and been just fine. All you ever need to know about life and people and yourself, you learn from motherhood, anyway. He has been my inspiration to do things differently...better. He has brought me closer to my Savior. He has shown me my own, ugly sin-nature. He made me a mother.
Jack is my miracle baby. For years, I've struggled with endometriosis. It's a terrible, painful disease and it I wondered if I would ever be able to conceive a baby. Before I was pregnant with him, I'd had 3 laparoscopy surgeries and one round of Lupron injections to put my body through menopause. Lots of women with endometriosis need medical help to conceive or don't conceive at all. But God, who gives and takes away, was so gracious to me. He put life inside of me and gave me the joy of knowing what it's like to love something so much that it hurts. I saw Jack for the first time, and my whole world changed. He was the most beautiful child I've ever seen, with dark hair and green eyes and a smile that brightens the world.
He scrunches his nose just like me when he laughs, just like me... and it's awesome!
To top it off, there is no ounce of Jon in him. He is all "my-child." This is good and bad. I see his faults and I know his weaknesses and hurts because they are my weaknesses and hurts. This sometimes makes it a little painful. I bite my nails whenever I see him struggle with feeling shy and anxiety-ridden because I remember that feeling all too well. I wish I knew a way to comfort him and let him know to give it time. God is going to do amazing things through him. He thrives on structure. He hates attention. He needs lots of sleep. When he is cranky, I know that he needs to be alone for 30 minutes and this is therapeutic to him. He has a strong perfectionistic tendency; which is why I'm trying to teach them that practice makes progress...not perfection, and that's okay. He is a true friend and stands up for what is right, even when it's not what he wants to do. He is sneaky, so watch him carefully! He loves animals and I think the perfect job for him is to be a veterinarian...or a pastor. He's gracious. He's photogenic. He can't hide his feelings. He is sensitive and gets his feelings hurts easily, but he also forgives quickly. He is slow to anger, but when he is angry...watch out! He is a deep-thinker. He has a heart for people, and prays for them; He once watched Oprah with me-a lady was hurt by a chimpanzee. The thought of her being embarrassed to show her face really worried him. He prayed for her that night-that God would help her to not be embarrassed when people stare...that she would "have a friend." He loves documentaries...weird, I know. He's the kind of kid who will fall head over hills in love at 16 and get his heart broken. But the good part about that is that it will never happen again because he will marry at a young age and be perfectly happy with his decision. He is determined, committed, and a high-achiever.
I'm madly in-love with this child. I'm impressed and challenged by him at the same time.
Jack-you're a good boy. I love you for who you are and who God will grow you to be. I will always love you, even when you make mistakes. It's okay to make mistakes. You are a joy to parent...Thank you for being my son.

"Cole Day"

2010-01-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been praying for Cole to get in Mother's Day Out. I didn't enroll him with Jackson last semester because I felt like I needed to be 100% fair. I didn't put Jackson into MDO til a month after he turned two so I didn't want to do it with Cole either. Now, it's too late-the class is full. I always feel bad for 2nd and 3rd (etc.) child. I know Cole doesn't know any different, but I feel like he's been deprived of never having my full attention. I'm a much different mother with Cole than I was with Jackson. Some for the better, and some...not so better. I don't freak out as much over the little things. I clean my house less than I used to, and after a couple years, I've learned to be okay with that. I'm more patient, I pick my battles, and I'm better at forgiving myself when I make mistakes. Not perfect at that last one, just better. However, now that I have two, I don't relish the moment as much as I should, I don't mark down every milestone, I don't play as much. I'm busier, I'm more hurried, and I listen less.
I try to be conscious of this and correct myself when I notice. But, two is more than double the work. I feel like there's not a lot of downtime. There's always things I could be doing. Laundry, phone calls, errands, making appointments, praying for my children, planning, reading. The list goes on and on and my mind runs wild.
Cole is more than a handful. I feel like he is worth two children. He is into everything and it's constant supervision and correction with him. He has a mischievous mind and a temper to beat all. I've written about this a lot and I know some of you are thinking, "Come on, how bad can he be?" But, really...you have to see to believe it. He's loud and reckless. He's under my feet all the time and if he's not, he's being destructive someplace. I pray for Cole a lot more than I pray for Jack. Not because I love him more, but...he needs more work. At least...this was my thought. I pray for his safety everyday-both for what he is capable of doing to himself, and what I'm afraid I might do to him. I pray for him to get a hold of his temper before it does real damage. I pray that he will learn to control his strong-will. I pray that his natural, insatiable curiosity does not lead him into trying rebellious things. So, I keep telling myself, that I have my work cut out for me and I'm working hard to change that boy!
I started thinking about when I was pregnant with him. He was even different even in the womb. My belly was moving all the time. He kicked hard! Sometimes I would just sit there and cry and try to squeeze my stomach muscles as tight as I could so he would get the hint that this was hurting mommy!!! He didn't get the hint. When we brought him home from the hospital he cried constantly. It wasn't a sweet little lamb cry like Jackson. It was a sound that in the middle of the night would cause my stomach to be tangled in knots because I knew I wouldn't be getting any sleep that night. I dreaded that cry. It always happened at 10:30 just as I turned out the light. For the first time in all my motherhood career, I put my baby in bed with me out of sheer desperation for sleep. I didn't call the shots anymore...he did.
So, thus began my journey of changing him. Only, I started to think maybe I was wrong in this. God created Cole. He knew that child before I did. He knew what his strengths and weaknesses would be. And I started to wonder...maybe I'm the one who needs changing. Maybe God gave me this child to build my character and grow me in ways that I'm incapable of on my own. Maybe God didn't allow Cole to be in Mother's Day Out for a reason.
Today, I changed the way I do things. Usually Monday is my day to get back on track with housework, errands, etc. I took Jack to school and I came home and sat in Cole's bedroom floor and just played. We did puzzles, read books, we played with trucks and built with blocks. He talked a lot to me. I've overlooked him. I've underestimated him. I really enjoyed him and I had fun. Fun is something I don't do enough.
So, I would still love for him to get into Mother's Day Out, but if he doesn't, I think I'm going to change my schedule a little and not make Monday my "Chore Day", but my "Cole Day."
"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." (Romans 12:2)

Merry CHRISTmas!

2009-12-30T22:13:00.000-08:00

Of all my 27 Christmas's I've experienced, I think this might have been my favorite. Christmas was a little different this year-we were snowed in. It turned out to be really nice and relaxing to not have to rush around from place to place.
Something about snow falling just feels Christmas-like. I felt like I was looking at a Norman Rockwell picture. It started blowing in on Christmas Eve, so I was a little bummed that we missed our church candlelight service and looking at lights, but we still enjoyed our evening. We had a real Christmas dinner of turkey, homemade macaroni and cheese and green bean casserole-comfort food for a cold night. Afterwards, we made Jesus a birthday cake and sang him "Happy Birthday." My boys really enjoyed this and I think this will be our new Christmas Eve tradition. We left Santa and Rudolph some cake instead of cookies...Santa said he really enjoyed it. Besides, I bet he gets tired of cookies!

He even left a note for the boys!

My in-laws got me a waffle maker for Christmas, so we used it Christmas day to make our breakfast. We had monkey bread, and waffles topped with Nutella, fresh strawberries and raspberries and whipped cream!

As you can see, Jon was excited.

A view of the snow. I couldn't get a good picture because I couldn't get out!

The before.

The after.

This is my absolute favorite time of the year. I love the food, the weather, the time with my family. I love that my husband is home a lot during this month. I love the magical looks on my children's faces at the thought of Santa coming. I love the crazy busyness and preparation, the music, and decoration. I think every year I go through a little depression when it's all over. I don't like Mondays and I don't like the month of January for the same reason...you have to start all over. But I heard something at church the other day that made me think. The 'joy' is not over. The gift is always here...the baby, Jesus Christ, is our gift throughout the year. It doesn't come once in a particular month. It isn't for a season. It's everyday. The joy is a gift everyday.
So, my New Year's resolution isn't to workout more and eat healthier, although I really do need to do these things. My resolution this year is to live with the same joy and excitement that I carry during the Christmas season. To watch the light and excitement in my children's eyes and not be worried about the laundry. To enjoy when my husband is home and let him know he's missed when he's not. To put other's needs above my own. Hopefully this January you and your family will remember also that the gift of Christmas is 12 months a year. Happy 2010!

Happy Birthday Cole

2009-12-30T20:55:00.000-08:00

Two years ago, God blessed me with a precious treasure in the birth of Cole. He was born December 8Th, 2007 at 5:24pm. He weighed 6lbs and 13oz and this is how I learned that dynamite comes in small packages. He has forever rocked my world and changed my life. He forces patience out of me, he makes me laugh, he makes me tired...he makes me a better person. I am forever in awe of the fact that God had enough confidence in me to think I was worthy of raising this child. Maybe he was trying to show me that "all things are possible with God!" He has drawn me closer to God...many times out of sheer exhaustion, panic, and desperation. But also because when I look at him, I'm speechless of the beauty of his handiwork and I think to myself how much more he loves me. This seems impossible.
Cole, thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for the joy you bring. Thank you for your snotty kisses and nose-bashing hugs. I read this quote one time and I've used it a lot of times. I don't know the author, but it says "Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were one minute old, I would give my life for you." This is how my love is for you and always will be.

Makes Me Want to Puke

2009-12-11T21:08:00.000-08:00

Cole came home from church Wednesday night not feeling well. His teachers said he threw up a little in class but he also ate about 213 goldfish crackers, so that didn't mean a lot. Sometimes he stuffs his face too fast to chew and gets choked-that's what I thought happened. He woke up around midnight that night vomiting and could not stop. Finally he and I fell asleep on the bathroom floor around 5:30am.
I know when my babies are sick-I can always tell by their eyes. After a little 12 hour virus he seemed to be feeling better. A couple days later his little eyes were still puffy and he was catching up on lost sleep, but he had regained his appetite and his orneriness.
Saturday night we decided to go have dinner, look at Christmas lights, and have a little hot chocolate break. Cole is dancing at Starbucks eating spoonfuls of whipped cream and getting lots of attention. On the way home he got really upset about something. The crying begins.
Cole's will is strong...really strong. I'm trying to figure out how to control this. I've heard that you have to break their will without breaking their spirit. This is a battle for me. I don't even know where to begin sometimes, but I know I have to get this under control or it could cause major problems down the road. So...he wants something he can't have, the crying ensues and he pukes. Not just a little puke...the most vomit I have ever seen come out of a 28 pound body.
Lately, every time Cole cries, he throws up. I don't know if this is a battle of wills with him, if he just get so worked up, or if Jon is paying for his childhood. Briefly...Jon's a puker. He gets weak in the knees about smells. I've watched this man change diapers with a gas mask on. When we first got married, we made a deal-if I cleaned the poop messes then he would clean the puke messes. Well, for 6 1/2 years, he's let me down except for one time I was pregnant and Sampson got sick in the house.
Cole has started and he can't stop. It flies in the front seat and hits me in the hair, Jackson is freaking out and begins his one million questions, Jon looks like he's going to lose it. Luckily, today, I was a well-prepared mom. I had trash bags in my car, and a load of wipes. I did a pretty good job of cleaning up. But, it wasn't enough. We pull in the driveway, it starts again. Jon bolts out of the car and throws up...twice. I get Cole out of the carseat, and he's throwing up all over me as we walk in the door. I finally get him calmed down enough to stick him in the tub and get myself in the shower. I ask Jon if he can please pull the cover off the carseat to wash. He comes in and tells me, he tried his best, but he got frustrated with all the straps, and he pulled out his pocket knife and cut it to get it off. "I will gladly pay $35 for a new carseat," he says. "It was getting all over my fingers." I just looked at him and thought, "Are you kidding me?" This man couldn't do my job for half a day.
There is a reason women outlive men. Simply...we're stronger. We love our babies so much that we let them puke on us because they want to be held and they don't feel good. We suffer through nights with two hours of sleep to be up at 7am and do it all over again. We do the the jobs of 5 people. We...were built for endurance.
Through all of this, I just have to laugh. Or at least force myself to. I know someday I will laugh about these moments. Someday I will probably wish dealing with bodily fluids was as hard as it gets. Someday...I will miss this season of my life. But not today.
Meanwhile-20 minutes after the episode, Cole is running circles in the living room. He grabbed Jack around the waist and wrestled him to the floor, and says "Mean Bubba...you mean." He's back to the normal Colie!

It's Just a Box!

2009-12-06T21:22:00.000-08:00

Why is when kids have all the toys in the world, they'd rather play with a box? Seriously, I've spent thousands of dollars in toys, paints, glitter, books, movies, etc., only for Jackson to say, "I'm bored."
I had a candle party a couple weeks ago and when my delivery came, I emptied the box and left it on the living room floor. The boys discovered it and it quickly became the greatest thing they've ever seen. Jackson got out pencils and markers coloring headlights on it. Cole got into it and would let Jack push him off the couch onto the floor like a slide. They fought over, they watched TV in it. When they would wake up, they would race each other to the living room to see who could get it first! I mean...it's just a box! It seemed to open up a whole new world of imagination to them-it was incredible! So, this got me thinking. Christmas is around the corner, so I think I'll just save my money and get them a really BIG box, a wooden spoon, and a bucket of dirt and see where that takes them!

"Bick-bit woof woof"

2009-12-06T21:09:00.001-08:00

Cole has a new job he likes to do everyday. It has become his new daily chore...something that is just his alone and it makes him feel like important. Everyday he randomly asks me, "moe-mmy, bick-bit woof woof." This means he wants to give Sampson a dog biscuit. He really has come to enjoy his little job and so has Sampson being that I mostly ignore him 99% of the time...poor Sam. This is really sad even though I'm laughing as I type this, but sadly, he's just about the last thing on my mind. He just lays around and sleeps anyway, so it's easy to pass over him, but when the hears the "bick-bit" container shake...man, he comes a runnin!

Gingerbread Train

2009-12-06T20:54:00.000-08:00

A little Christmas tradition...

Last year we started a new tradition of building a gingerbread train. Most people do houses and yet here at the Elliott home, anything having to do with trains, is considered a great time for our kids. Both my boys have an obsession with trains. I must say, I love it. I think a train symbolizes true boyish character. I have really enjoyed certain things about Christmas I always thought I'd hate. I love homemade gingerbread houses...or trains. I love the the little hand painted ornaments hanging my tree Jackson made when he was two. I love old-fashioned ribbon candy, and would love to have some sitting out in a candy dish if I could ever find any. I'm beginning to really love tradition. I told Jon that I want to start a collection of water globes...surprising as this is, I just really love the idea of my kids unwrapping all these collectibles that they've remembered through the years. It may take me awhile to accumulate these things, but I'm really enjoying making memories with my kids during this special holiday season. Jackson asked me today..."Mom, do you know the story of Luke, chapter 1?" In all truthfulness, I really didn't. I mean, I knew the story, but I didn't know it was in Luke chapter 1. But, he started to tell me about an angel coming to Mary and telling her not to be afraid, but that she was going to have a baby. Isn't it amazing what children know?....out of the mouths of babes. May you and your family enjoy tradition this year as I am, and may you and your children remember the real reason for the season.

Boys are Born This Way

2009-11-10T18:54:00.000-08:00

So, I've noticed a preoccupation with my son over the last year or so. Actually, it's been longer than a year that I've noticed it, but over the last year, I think it has become really apparent. It's not just Jackson, Cole has begun to show signs of obsession with this particular thing. The preoccupation is...the wiener. I mean, come on! I guess this is just something ingrained in them from the time they were born. Around six months of age, both my boys became nearly impossible to diaper, as they had found the other appendage down there. But last night Jackson did something particularly funny. My best friend bought the boys some bubble guns. They are little toy guns that go into a holster you can fill with bubbles. Pull the trigger and they blow bubbles. Well, Jackson was getting ready for a bath, and he thought it would be funny to hook that bubble holster onto the zipper of his jeans. He comes into the kitchen where I am, and says, "Mom, look. I have the biggest wiener in the world! Isn't that cool?" What is with the male species and taking pride in that particular are of anatomy?
And, it's not just that area. My boys have a great fascination with "boobies". Jackson will sometimes randomly just yell the word out, and he and Cole just giggle. Such a taboo word for a four-year old. So, this got me thinking, "Is this really how God designed my sweet precious babies?"-to be like every other man in the world-ugh! My dad used to say all men are scum, of course, in high school and college, I totally disagreed, but now...well, I see exactly what he meant. Their curiosity for the female body must just come naturally. Of course, this terrifies me. I see this as a huge battle to keep my boys from letting this curiosity turn into lust. I'm not naive, I know this battle is impossible and that to avoid lust would be perfection. While I sometimes think my boys are perfect, I know they aren't. I know this area of sin is a struggle for all men. So, my prayer for them right now is a prayer of a pure heart...pure heart, pure mind, pure body.
Psalm 119:9-12 says, "How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to the word. With my whole heart, I have sought you; Oh, let me not wander from your commandments. Your word, I have hidden in my heart that I might not sin against you. Blessed are you, O Lord! Teach me your statutes!"

Family Photos

2009-11-05T21:21:00.000-08:00

We scheduled to have some new pictures taken recently. My father-in-law has been asking for a year to have all his kids together for a new family picture since Cole has been born-I know, I know...it's sad. He's almost two. But, finally we got around to it and they turned out great! Our photographer is a friend from church. She runs her own business on the side of being a mommy. She is so awesome and does a great job. Why is that a fight always starts when you're trying to take pictures? It gets really hard to fake a smile after the 15Th time of yelling at my kids and bribing them with candy and threatening spankings. But luckily, she is a professional and she can catch that one second that everyone is looking at the camera, and Cole is still and smiling. She's a miracle worker! Meanwhile, after the pictures are over, I'm sweating and exhausted! Janelle, I don't know how you do it, girl! Thanks for capturing memories. I'll treasure these pictures of my family forever.

Everyone all together-our family, my brother-in-law, sis-in-law, and nephew. My father-in-law will be so happy.

Me and my sweetie. He gets better looking with age-isn't he cute?!

My kiddos.

The stinker.

The lover.

Precious little boys. I love this.

My nephew Jett-I think this is my favorite picture of him...EVER.

Mitch, Amber, and Jett

I have a great family-I'm truly blessed. I love you guys.

2009-11-03T17:59:00.000-08:00

Today has been one of those days when I feel like I've lost my joy. I don't know why exactly. Nothing has happened to put me in a bad mood, necessarily. I say "necessarily" because it's a daily battle for me-to keep my joy, whether it's been a rough day or not. This is something I'm trying to teach Jackson right now-that joy is different from happiness. I know the right things to say, yet I struggle myself. It's been the kind of day that I woke up and immediately felt like "Being a mom is the last job I want to do today." Sometimes I don't enjoy my job and I wonder if it would be easier to go to work...if I would feel happier, more fulfilled.
I realize in saying this, I'm bearing my soul. I'm giving you permission to judge me. So, I struggled today with wondering if I should even say how I feel. But, I also feel very strongly that moms need to be able to share their hearts and feel safe. Why is it as mothers we feel the need to look perfect, act perfect, and make everyone think we ARE the perfect mom? That we totally LOVE every aspect of our lives? That it gives us such joy to serve our families everyday? That we actually enjoy playing Candy-Land for the umpteenth time? Well, i personally hate Candy-Land...and Play-Doh...and building train tracks for that matter. I loathe building train tracks. I feel like I've lost my zest and excitement for motherhood. Every day is the same, and although it's a blessing to watch your children grow, learn, be there for them-it's also a 'thankless' job. You don't get a paycheck, or even a gold star.
I seem to get in this rut every three months or so, where I feel discontent. I keep telling myself what every other woman tells me, "This is a season of my life", "Enjoy it, because it goes so fast", "Someday, you will miss this." But when I feel like this, those things don't seem to help. If God knows my heart, surely he knows and understands how difficult this is for me. The "selfless" trait of motherhood does not come easy and it goes against everything that I am.
I've been reading every book I can get my hands on lately-mostly self-help books. I've read books on time management, books on self-talk, books on organization, books on how to love your children according to their 'love language', how to deal with strong-willed children, and how to better love my husband. And then it dawned on me. I haven't been reading God's word.
If God knows my heart, he understands how I'm feeling and I'm not doing this alone- even though I feel like I am. I'm not a person who can just aimlessly open their Bible and find that one verse that speaks to them, so...I googled. I was thinking of that verse that says how we were "knit together in our mother's womb." I found it (Psalm 139), and this is what it says,
v.1 "O Lord, you have searched me, and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you understand my thoughts from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And you are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Behold Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before. And laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can i go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence?" v.13-"For you formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." v. 17 "How precious also are your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You." v.23 "Search me, O God and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way."
That was a comfort to me...that he sees me. Even when I don't want to do my job...He sees me. Even when I feel alone...He sees me. Even when I feel like I'm a failure to my children...He sees me. When I've lost all joy...He sees me.

Lord, help me to be content in the season of my life. Help me to live in the moment and not constantly be looking forward to the next stage. Help me to find joy in where you have placed me and what you have given me. And when I can't seem to find that joy, help me to turn to your word...and patiently wait.

My friend Beth sent me this video link to me about a year ago. It ministered to me in so many ways, and days like today, i look it up and watch it-sometimes more than once. Hope you enjoy it as much as i did.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YU0aNAHXP0

Halloween

2009-11-03T17:24:00.000-08:00

On Halloween we had big plans of taking the boys to make the rounds. But first, that afternoon we took Jack on a special date. While Cole was taking his afternoon nap, we had our babysitter come over so we could take Jackson to see the movie, "Where the Wild Things Are." Bizarre. My advice, if you want to see it that bad-wait til it's at Redbox. It was the biggest waste of $15 and a little scary for a four-year old.
Anyway, that evening we got the boys dressed in their costumes and took a few pictures in the front yard. G.G. made Jack's pirate costume and did a great job. We got compliments on it all night. Colie wore Jack's old lion costume. I found it in the attic after I thought I'd sold it in a consignment sale years ago. It was such a surprise! I think it has been my favorite costume of all the years we've gotten to do Halloween. I was so happy Cole got to wear it as well.

For our family, Halloween is similar to Christmas in the fact that, I feel like we spend the day running from here to there. Everyone wants to see the babies in their costumes. So, it's a little stressful and crazy cramming all the visits into about three hours. We went to visit my grandma-she has a special relationship with my boys and it has been such a blessing to watch that. We also went to Trinity's Trunk or Treat where the boys played games, and got lots of candy. Papa and G.G. and their small group take the kids on "train rides". Really, it's a tractor pulling little cars-but the boys love it. Jackson won a door prize of a Thomas the Train tent-so it was an incredibly successful night in his mind. Finally we visited Birdie and Grumpy. It was a busy night and the boys were exhausted and loaded up on sugar. That's what Halloween is all about, right?!

Pumpkin Carving Party

2009-11-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

Our sweet friends Ryan and Lindsay, hosted a pumpkin carving party at their home this October. We had such a blast. All our friends from our small group at Trinity were there. Including some former members we hadn't seen a really long time-Sunny, Creed, Rinny, and Jude-we love you! Lindsay is awaiting the birth of their first child, due in April. She was so gracious to have almost 20 kids at her house with paint and pumpkin guts in hand. I guess it was good preparation for her to see the messes children cause. Here's some pictures from our night of fun.

Here' a picture of all the kids at the party-eating popcorn balls. YUM!

Jackson painting his pumpkin.

Colie painting his pumpkin-he is really dangerous with purple paint. Notice his "Hitler" mustache. He did this himself. Such a ham.

Sweet baby Jack-such a lover!

Jon and Jack carving our family pumpkin.

Our newest members-the Foret's. We love you guys.

Jack and his friend Rinn. They were born three weeks apart and have been friends since. Isn't she the cutest?

All the mommies-good group of solid girlfriends.

The finished product. Great job kiddos!

Ryan and Linds-thanks for having us. We all had such a great time. "Doin' life together!"

Will You Please Forgive Me?

2009-10-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days where, as a mother, you feel like you can't do anything right? Well, today is one of those days. I was feeling overwhelmed the minute I got out of bed. We have all had the flu for the past couple weeks, so there are mountains of laundry, sticky tile where my kids spilled juice and Cole decided to throw a cup of applesauce, and I'm exhausted. Not just tired, I'm extremely exhausted. I still don't feel back to 100% since I got the flu 10 days ago.
The minute I got out of bed, I felt like everyone was barking at me. This always sets my day up for failure-when I don't get up with right mindset and I haven't asked God to be in control of my day. Sometimes I feel like I have to put myself in the mood for my day-in preparation for the battle. And IT IS A BATTLE! Mothers are warriors and I'm not always ready to go in and win. The funny thing is...my children sense my fear. The days I'm struggling, it's like they are sharks smelling blood in the water and they gang up and go in for the kill. Those are the days they seem to disobey more, listen less, and make me lose my mind.

It starts as I stumble to the coffee pot, desperate for some caffeine therapy. I start to make the boys breakfast for which Jackson strongly voices his disgust, "cereal again, Mom! We had cereal two days in a row-I want pancakes." I immediately snap at him and let him know he just better be thankful he gets to eat. I'm starting laundry as Cole dumps his cereal milk everywhere and shortly after my husband comes in to tell me he forgot he has to deliver some tools today around the same time of my hair appointment, so could i "reschedule for tomorrow?" Are you kidding me? My hair has 1/2 and inch of gray roots showing and I haven't washed it in three days due to the fact that after I wash it I would have to fix it, and I just don't have time for that right now. The phone is ringing off the wall, and when I answer it for the third time in eight minutes, the telemarketer decides to give me lip. It's obvious he hates his job and I now must pay for asking him to please remove our number from his list. Again, I let him know, he messed with the wrong woman in a way that still has me feeling terrible an hour later. I dwelled on that the rest of the day.

Jackson keeps begging to watch TV and looking back, I should've just given in and let him. Cole is into everything and if I don't get him down for his morning nap, I'm going lose it. I finally put him down and he never falls asleep in the whole hour and a half. In that hour and a half, I make a phone call and switch the laundry over, but don't get it folded. I set out hamburger to thaw for the lasagna and later realize when I went to the grocery store, I forgot lasagna noodles. I ask Jackson for the 17Th time to pick up the trains in the kitchen.

Here's the thing-I feel like the kitchen is my domain, my work space, my "desk." How come everyone's things end up in my "office?" Jon walks in and throws his keys and wallet on the counter, Jackson likes to push his trains on the counter, and Cole's refrigerator alphabet letters end up on the floor instead of the refrigerator. Is it too much to ask? There are a million other places in this house for everyone to put their stuff. My kitchen is small as it is. You can't open the dishwasher and the oven door at the same time. I feel like I can't breathe in there and as I turn around to get the boys lunch, I step with a barefoot onto a metal train.

Well, that was it-I came unglued. I scream at Jackson for him to pick up his "damn trains!" Yes-I really used that word. I'm so ashamed as I see the terror on his face. Why did I do that? Why did I react in a way that scared a four-year old? Was it really that big of a deal to tell him again, calmly, to pick them up? I walk out of the room feeling so sorry for what I've done. I head to my room and pray "Father God...change me. Make me like you. Help me to see life's little annoyances as just that. I don't want to scare my children into obeying me. I don't want them to see the wrong way to react in anger."

It's a humbling experience to have to ask your child to forgive you. It really is...and I feel like I have to do it often. I tell him I'm sorry that I yelled at him. Thankfully, Jackson is always so forgiving. He's amazing. He says "Mom, what you did was wrong, but did you know that sometimes mommies sin too?" Yes, Jackson, I do know that. More than you will ever know...I know that. He tells me he forgives me and that "next time, I will pick up my damn trains the first time!" Geez! I'm not finished-now, I have to go have another conversation and tell him how mommy also sinned by saying a naughty word! Motherhood is so humbling. Help me Lord!

"Day and Night"

2009-10-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

I just downloaded almost 300 pictures from my camera to my computer. I'm a little behind, okay?! As I was looking through them, I thought they summed up pretty well our house-never a dull moment. While I was looking, it just further confirmed to me what I've known for almost two years. We have two children who could not be any MORE different. I'm always amazed by this. I don't know why. I mean, I know God creates each person to have their own different personalities, mannerisms, etc. But, I guess I just thought that two children from the same two parents would be, well...the same. My grandma calls Jack and Cole "day and night", for a reason.

Jack-very emotional, and affectionate. He's my brain-child. I'm already planning my retirement in whatever he does for a living. He likes to be alone, read, think. He has an engineers' mind. He loves trains, and builds the most intricate train tracks I've ever seen. He's the kind of kid that reads encyclopedias. He tells you exactly what is on his mind and uses the most words possible to describe the details. If he can't think of a big enough word, he will make one up and many times, he uses it correctly. He loves all creatures-great and small. Last weekend he had a collection of worms in the garage and would hold up one at a time and tell me about each little "googy cutie." He loves passionately-for which I am terrified and thankful at the same time. By the time Jackson was 12 months, I enjoyed him so much, I couldn't wait to have another baby...so then comes Cole.

Cole-life of the party. Don't leave him alone in a room for one second. He alone can do the damage of what the average three children can do together. He is almost two and still can't speak half the words Jackson could at 12 months-simply because...he doesn't need to. If you don't understand what he's trying to say, he will hit you in the head til it comes to you. He would eat ketchup by the bottle if I let him. Every picture I take of him winds up being hilarious and can't hide his true hornery nature. He loves passionately, but also hates passionately. He had his first ER trip by 6 months (don't ask why), a scar above his eyebrow, his fingernail was torn off with no tears, he has nearly caught my house on fire twice. Any activity that involves a ball, he loves and excels in-even at 22 months. By the time this child was 12 months, I wondered if I would be able to handle another baby...EVER.

So, this all got me thinking-what a perfect pair! Jackson is just like me and Cole is just like Jon. They are a perfect pair of brothers and I know their friendship will be strong forever. God knew exactly what I needed and wanted even before I did. What a wonderful maker.

"E" is for Elmo

2009-10-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

So, I woke up at 6:45 this morning to the sounds of Cole screaming, "EEEEEEEEE!", over and over and over again. Cole has been learning his letters...well, let me be totally honest. Cole learned ONE letter-E. He loves Elmo and he learned that Elmo starts with "E". So, now whenever he sees an "E", he says "E, moe-mmy!" He calls me "Moe-mmy" now. I don't know how else to spell it. It used to be "Meme", which I really thought was extra cute, but I guess he got tired of that and now it's on to "Moe-mmy."
Anyway, fast forward the morning, Cole and I took Jackson to school and headed to Target. I had to pick up a few things. In the middle of my shopping, what does Cole spot, but a pair of Elmo houseshoes. Anybody who knows me well, knows that I absolutely will not dress my kids in character clothes. I think they're cheesey. However, when Jackson was two, he was also enamored with Elmo and I gave in and bought him an Elmo t-shirt to wear to Sesame Street Live. Over the years, I have slowly let my children have a couple of character clothing items but usually they can only wear them to bed, unless I'm too tired and I don't want to put up a fight.
So, Cole saw these houseshoes and the twinkle in his eye couldn't keep me from buying them. I wish I could've taken a picture of his face...he was so in love. When we got home from Target, he immediately wanted to put them on and watch...Elmo, of course!

Just for Me

2009-10-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wanted something of your own? I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I've thought how as a wife and mom, I don't feel like I have a whole lot that just belongs to me anymore. My time? Gone. My energy? Nope. My brain, my body, my thoughts-all consumed by or for other people. I want something that solely is mine alone.

I feel selfish for thinking that I want something like this. Shouldn't it be enough that I am Jackson and Cole's mother, or Jon's wife? That I serve have a roof over my head, a reliable car to drive, a great church? Well... it's not. I think as mothers we sometimes lose ourselves, and although I can't really remember who I was before I became a wife and mother, I would like to find that woman again. One who isn't covered in vomit, poop, snot, food, etc. One who has showered today or brushed her teeth for that matter. One, who never walked out the door without shaved legs, makeup, fixed hair, or a cute outfit. Yep, those days are gone.

And although on the inside I feel like a much better person than I used to be, it's hard to tell from the "mom-pants" I wear almost every day. My days are filled with laundry, cleaning, cooking, comforting, breaking-up fights, feeding the dog, paying bills, teaching, phone calls, yard-work, more laundry, grocery shopping, more cooking, etc. The list goes on. And sometimes at the end of the day, I lie in bed and think "not one of those things I did today was for me."

So, this is it. My motives for this blog are: 1} to talk about the funnies of motherhood-because you have to laugh to keep from crying. I've told funny stories about my kids to my friends and a couple have said, "You should write a book!" While, that's flattering and a great idea...I don't have time to read a book, much less write a book, so this is the second best thing.

2} to hear feedback from you! Some people hate advice, but I happen to love it! I love to hear women talk about what they did to get their kid to stop sucking his thumb, or how I can manage my time better, whatever. I think when you hear other people's stories, you can and take bits and pieces of what you've learned and make your life better.

3} for therapy-I'm not gonna lie. I'm not the best communicator. I have gotten a lot better through the years. I think being a wife and mother has forced me to do that, but when it comes to venting and getting things off my chest, if I do, it usually comes in the form of yelling. I hit my word limit at about noon. Most of you who have small children understand this. So, at the end of the day, the last thing I really want to do is talk. But with blogging, this way, I can relieve some pressure and be quiet all at the same time-perfect.

4}to inform you about what's going on at the Elliott household. It's just fun to share pictures and stories and hopefully someday my children will really appreciate this. Plus, it's quicker and easier than scrapbooking!

I plan on posting about every other day, but you know how that goes...so, maybe a couple times a week??? Maybe that's still too ambitious-I don't know. I'm new at this!